A Glimpse into a Wilderness Camp for Troubles Teens, and Why #igotout Before I Got In...
In April 2003 after living in Colorado for almost 8 years, I ended up moving back east to live with my parents after a tough break up with my boyfriend. I ended up getting a job there and working for a few months while trying to figure out what I was going to do for the rest of my life. I then decided that I wasn’t happy living on the east coast and that I missed Colorado, the mountains, and the sun. I also wanted to find a job that was more fulfilling to me, something where I could make an impact by helping others. I had always been into nature and the outdoors (although being allergic to everything made it a bit harder for me to enjoy sometimes) and had heard about programs like “Outward Bound” and “NOLS” where kids were taken into nature to build confidence and learn survival skills as a way to break the unhealthy habits that they may have been getting into as teens due to more rebellious behaviors and actions.
As a teen, I also had those tendencies and thought I could be a good candidate to help others in a program like that since I could relate to the kids that were enrolled. Plus, I had learned a few helpful techniques along the way that I thought might be useful to share if it seemed appropriate. I had known a couple of people who had gone to Outward Bound growing up and thought it sounded interesting and helpful, and that that kind of program could’ve potentially helped me too. Anyway, I started to do some research online about these types of programs and found one located in Colorado close to where I had been living with my boyfriend before. At that time, I also wanted to rekindle my relationship with my ex, so taking a job close to him, where I would only be living with him part of the time made the most sense. So, after looking at it a bit more, I made the decision to go back to CO to do the training. The plan was to live in the field (camp) and work for 8 days on and then be home for 6 days off. I would stay with my boyfriend on off days.
My first mistake in choosing this company was that I didn’t have enough information to know exactly what this program was going to entail. There wasn’t a ton of info on their website or application about what we would be doing in detail during the program, however, it did say that we would be working with troubled teens in the field and leading them on camping excursions to build up their confidence and survival skills and hopefully shift their perspectives on life to be more positive. I also overlooked the part that said we’d be working with adjudicated youth ages 14-18. I didn’t realize the extent of trouble that these kids had been involved in, which were crimes initiated by gangs, theft, and other dangerous actions that resulted in them being put into juvenile detention centers. (I was thinking more troubled youth- like the rebellious rich kids that were sent to Outward Bound, but weren’t actually charged for anything major in the criminal justice system yet). Anyhow, off I went to embark on this next adventure in hopes to help these kids turn their lives around in a positive way so that they could hopefully return to society as competent and productive members who wanted to work and do good in the world rather than continue on a destructive path.
Day one:
I’ve arrived at the warehouse in a small remote town in CO. My boyfriend dropped me off and said he would be back to pick me up in 9 days. This was 20 years ago, so we did not have cell phones at the time, and I was 24 years old. I was still young and naïve, and learning about how the world works and discovering how people and personalities can differ greatly from person to person. I was also grappling with my own personal struggles that came from my younger years and was just trying to find my way in the world during this time. Thus, I didn’t fully understand the impact and importance of speaking up about and/or reporting a company like this that was doing things that I found to be dangerous and unethical in my opinion. My heart breaks for the mom who lost her 14-year-old child in this program a few years later, and I am so sorry for her loss. I didn’t know then what I know now...that what they were doing was child abuse. All I knew at that point was that once I got back into civilization, I needed to get away from those people as fast as possible and hopefully never see them again. Now that I am writing about this 8-day experience so many years later, I will share as much as I can remember. It is difficult to remember all the details but will do my best to share what it was like and what my perspective was at the time. I do have my journal that I wrote in during my time there which has been a helpful reminder of what I went through.
So, back to day one. I walk into the warehouse with all my camping gear etc. (we had gotten a list of things we needed to bring for our 8-day training excursion into the wilderness) and there are a few other people already there waiting to get started. Once the remaining trainees got there, we begin introductions and preparation to head out into the field. I think there were about 8 of us that were trainees and then two instructors/facilitators of the program. The facilitators oversaw taking us out into the wilderness for the training experience.
Note, there were no specific qualifications necessarily needed to get this job (from what I can remember), aside from potentially having a college background in studying anything from basic psychology, education, outdoor experience, natural resources, environmental science, or something along those lines or maybe some previous experience working in another similar organization like Outward Bound or NOLS. I went to school for Natural Resources Recreation and tourism, and that was sufficient. I’m not sure what the educational backgrounds were for the other people. The main qualifying event was to get through the 8-day training and once it was over, we would have to decide to either take the job and commit to it for 1 year or opt out of working for the company if either the facilitators or trainee decided it wouldn’t be a good fit. As you will soon find out, it was obviously not a good fit for me.
We start off by assessing our gear and then had to hand over to the facilitators pretty much everything we had brought with us...including my Swiss army knife and disposable camera. This was really confusing since I put in the effort to make sure I had the proper equipment needed to be prepared and as comfortable as possible to live in the wilderness for the next 8 days. I also spent a significant amount of money on that stuff, so I was not happy about having to give it to some strangers and not know when or if I was ever going to get it back. Then, they gave us a tarp, a seatbelt, and some string and told us we had to make a backpack out of just those three things.
They divided up the food that we were going to bring for the group to eat for the week, and each person had to carry an equal amount, plus any other minimal designated belongings that we were allowed to bring with us. All our supplies had to fit into our tarp pack. These included things like a metal cup to eat/cook out of, (no silverware), a handkerchief (which could be used in multiple ways, but usually was used as toilet paper or tissue), a pencil, a small journal, a 20oz Nalgene water bottle with duct tape around it, a raincoat, socks, hats- one visor/one beanie, a sleeping bag, and a few extra layers of clothing.
Whatever we decided to bring we had to carry and make fit in our pack, which was a challenge to figure out and would later fall apart several times throughout the first day or two of hiking when we didn’t pack it all up good enough. The facilitators basically stripped us down of all our belongings right when we got there and told us to “just trust them” without explaining hardly anything. They also shamed us on how we were able to pack up our packs by saying that they “could tell what kind of person we were by the way we put our packs together”, and of course some of us had a harder time with putting our pack together than others and were left feeling discouraged and inadequate in some way. The pack was about 30lbs and very uncomfortable and awkward to carry.
For food, I think I carried a few cans of beans and peaches, a bag or two of rice, and a couple of other random things. Once we put our packs together, we loaded into a van after eating some dinner that evening. They made us wear blindfolds once we got into the van. We then began traveling to our destination which was about a 2–3-hour ride into the wilderness somewhere. I ended up peeking from my blindfold a few times when no one was looking to try to figure out where we were going, and noticed that we were somewhere in or near Grand Junction, CO. Once the van stopped, we unloaded and were able to take off our blindfolds, but that didn’t help much because it was dark out and I still couldn’t see anything. We had to hike about a mile or two in the dark that first night to get to our first “checkpoint” where we would camp. That hike started about 10 pm, and it was dangerous and scary. My initial journal entry from day one basically says that I thought it was all really weird, and that I wasn’t sure I was going to like the experience. I feared things not working out with the job, and I hated dealing with the “tarp, seatbelt, string” backpacks.
Day two:
I woke up in the morning happy to have gotten a little bit of sleep. The facilitators then explained that we, as trainees, were going through the same experience that they give to the kids when they first arrive at this program. These first 3 days were called “Impact”. Basically, they wanted us to have the same shared experience that the kids would be having so that we could relate to them and what they were going through on a more personal level. This made sense to me, however, I also applied the ”Golden Rule” to my experience, which is “do unto others as you would have done to you”, and I ultimately decided that I would never want to put another person through that experience, and I didn’t care what it was that landed them in this program, it was a line that I personally would never want to cross. I didn’t sign up for the role of “jail/prison guard” and I was soon realizing that to be a leader in this program, that was the role we would be playing, except it was in the wilderness instead of an actual jail.
There were many rules that we had to follow and tasks that we had to complete during this first “impact” phase of the training. The first one was that if we had to leave the group to go to the bathroom in a private area behind a bush, tree, or rock, that we had to shout our name out loud every 10 seconds so the rest of the group could hear us. This would ensure that no one could run away without it being known. Another tactic they used to prevent the kids from running, and that we as trainees also had to do, was they’d take our shoes at night, and made everyone wrap themselves up like a “burrito” in a tarp when we went to sleep. We had to sleep all lined up as a group very close together. I had a sleeping bag and then wrapped the tarp around that once I was in. I’m not sure if the kids in the program had sleeping bags at all, or if all they got was the tarp...I can’t remember...but if anyone moved or tried to run, the noisy tarp would be loud enough for everyone to hear, and with no shoes, your feet would also get torn up quickly.
That second day, after waking up, we immediately had to pack up and start hiking to our next unknown destination, which ended up being about 10 miles away. At this point, we found out that we were not allowed to eat or access any of the food we were carrying in our packs, and it was unknown when our next meal would be. We were required to reach our “check point” each day no matter how long it took. That first day we hiked for many hours in the high-altitude desert under the very hot August sun where it was about 95-100 degrees F without eating any food. We were also required to drink a full 20oz bottle of water 6 times throughout the day and got our refills from the few small streams we found along the trail. Iodine tablets were used to clean the water before drinking it. I had to drink the same amount of water per day as the guy that was over a foot taller than me, which made no sense to me. My journal entry from this day starts off by saying it was “hell”.
I continued to have doubts and second thoughts about the job. I got sick and threw up several times throughout that day and wrote about how I did not agree with the process that this program was taking towards us and thus the kids. I couldn’t see how what they were doing to us could be effective in helping anyone to become anything but angry and upset. I was also on medication for anxiety at the time, so not being able to eat while also overexerting myself under extreme heat and being forced to drink so much disgusting iodine water, was making me sicker than the rest of the group.
I thought to myself, what about the kids? Were the facilitators even aware of the kind of mental health issues these kids might have, or what kind of meds they could be on when they get into this program? How would the leaders know what could be happening to these kids and their bodies and brains during this process? I thought it was messed up and didn’t think this was the right way to handle kids in this situation. I felt like I was probably the only one in the group of trainees that had anything close to the kinds of problems that these kids getting put into this program would be having, which made me feel like I could be a good leader to them, but also caused me to doubt my ability to handle the pressure and suffering that this job would entail.
The rest of the group seemed to be more positive about the situation than I was, yet I also felt that they may not have really understood or could grasp the reality of where these kids would be coming from. At one point during that second day after throwing up a whole bunch, I freaked out and demanded that the facilitator give me some food. I also asked for their radio a few times to call for help. I wanted someone to come get me and take me home. I wanted out at that point, but unfortunately, we were in the middle of nowhere and communication was limited. They refused to give me the radio and said I had to wait until we got to our next stopping point. I did finally get one of the facilitators to reluctantly give me a granola bar, yet he was not happy with me or my reaction to the way we were being treated. I was made out to look like the “crazy one” or the “problem child” of the group.
Day 3
Waking up on day three, I was miserable and hating it. I knew then that I didn’t want the job and felt that I could not relate to any of the people that I was with, aside from one friend, who also thought the whole situation was messed up. Everyone in our group was much more “hardcore” than I was as far as roughing it in the woods and carrying a heavy pack is concerned (I’m 5’2), and they were all so positive to the point that it was annoying and didn’t seem real. Things were also getting awkward for me after what I said to the facilitators the day before when I was demanding for their radio to call for help, and food, and begging to leave. I used many profanities and called them out on the abuse tactics that they were using on us, which of course angered them. The facilitators had a process that we had to do whenever we said something negative or any swear words, which was that we had to come up with a more positive phrase and say it out loud 20x or something like that. They called it “doing our words”, and we had to use the phrase, “I should’ve said….or could’ve said….” Filling in the blanks with something more positive or appropriate according to the program standards. I ended up having to do that a lot. Even after my freak out on the trail the day before because of my nonstop vomiting, I was made to “do my words” once I finished throwing up.
Day 4
Another hard day of waking up, getting sick, not wanting to be there. Still, no food was allowed, and we began our hike uphill in the heat. The good news was that I was getting better at packing my tarp/seatbelt/string pack. I also felt that I could relate well to the kids who would have to go through this experience. These kids were being sent into the desert wilderness in the middle of nowhere and for them it was for a minimum of 60 days, not knowing when it will ever get easier or if they would ever get home or make it out alive. I could only imagine what it would feel like for them, most likely 10x worse than what I was feeling.
I questioned myself in that moment, what if I didn’t have what it takes to endure this experience, or to get out of there on my own. I was thinking about and trying to plan my own escape from this situation, and how the kids being put into the program would for sure want and try to leave just like I wanted to. The group’s positivity felt both good and bad. I thought it was good that they were strong enough to handle it, better them than me, but bad because a troubled or angry youth is going to be annoyed at that kind of positivity which could become a problem and backfire on the whole situation.
There came a point when the facilitator told me that I had signed up for this voluntary 8-day training and that I should just deal with the consequences and get through it. He somehow convinced me to just finish what I started. Looking back, I can see it more now as manipulation, and that they were using my pride against me. In the current days of speaking up more, maybe it would’ve been better for us trainees to take the stand of, “this isn’t right, this is abuse, and I’m quitting and not doing this bullshit”. But this all happened 20 years ago, so instead, quitting felt like defeat and the desire to persevere and keep going through this difficult situation was seen as a challenge for the greater good. Everyone was in this training program because they initially thought they were going to be helping people. I’m sure the kids in the program would also experience similar feelings, which yes, has some positives, but I also understand now that this whole “impact” experience was just a way to manipulate us through “trauma bonding”, which is also a tactic used in cultic groups.
Finally, we get to our day 4 destination, the “Impact” phase is over, and we have a feast. Unfortunately, the food I was given was just some nasty beans, and the facilitators wanted us to eat every bite even if we were too full. After eating nothing for 3 1/2 full days, my stomach had shrunk, and I took more than I could finish. The facilitators didn’t care, we had to eat it. We ate out of our metal cups that we brought and used sticks for silverware. We were also required to clean our cups thoroughly of any traces of food by using water and scraping it clean with our dirty fingers or sticks, then we had to drink the nasty bean water. It was disgusting, and of course, I couldn’t finish the beans and puked again. This process continued for the remainder of the program.
That night we sat around the campfire as a group and shared our thoughts about the whole “impact” experience. This is when another person in the group spoke up to express that they too wanted to leave, which became a turning point for me and made me feel less alone. I felt the need to support that other person through this difficult process. We then played a game after dinner and received bracelets with beads as a sign of completion of the first phase of the program. In addition, we had a so called “celebration” which consisted of us being blindfolded and receiving a can of peaches as a reward.
Day 5
The 5th day was a “layover” day, so no hiking thankfully, and we didn’t have to carry those horrible heavy packs made from a tarp, seatbelt, and string. I still couldn’t wait for it all to be over, but just tried to make the best of it and enjoy my time in nature while learning a few things along the way. It rained most of this day, and I think we played a few other “trust” type games, learned to navigate with our maps and compasses, learned to make a fire out of sticks and a string (bow), and cooked food over the fire. We also followed the strict guidelines of “leave no trace” throughout the program.
Day 6
I was designated to be “Leader of the Day” (LOD). We then packed up our camp and prepared to hike again. Things felt a little less stressful, but I still couldn’t wait to go home. Before leaving camp, we made sure there was absolutely no evidence whatsoever of any of us being there, down to crushing every bit of charcoal from the fire. As the LOD, I figured out which way we would hike after breakfast and then led our group to the campsite of one of the male “teams” of adjudicated youth who were being forced by the judicial system to participate in this program for 60 days.
This 60-day program could also end up being longer for some kids if they weren’t able to reach all the goals in the program’s progression. For some kids, if they didn’t succeed and graduate from the program, there was a threat to have to stay longer. The kids in the juvenile detention centers that knew about this program would do all kinds of dangerous and drastic things to get themselves out of having to go, including trying to injure themselves, break limbs, etc. Each kid we met there was on a different day and stage of this minimum 60-day process. The facilitators would threaten the kids that they could keep them there until they were considered adults at 18 if they didn’t comply.
We ended up spending some time with the kids to get to know them and connect. We played some team games, and each partnered up with a kid from the boys’ team to work on making a “tandem fire” out of sticks. My partner and I were able to bust out two tandem fires together, which was rewarding. We spent the night at their camp. The kids all wore the same orange-colored shirts and had to follow all the same rules like yelling their name when they went to the restroom, wrapping up in the tarp when they slept all close together in a row, and drinking the water they used to clean their cups after eating a meal.
The facilitators took their shoes at night, and the kids had to “do their words” as punishment for using inappropriate language according to the facilitators. It felt like they were in a jail, but just outdoors in the wilderness. There were no cells and no walls, but also nowhere to go. It took us 3 days of hiking 10 miles a day to get there, so if these kids ran, they would most likely die alone in the desert. Many kids had similar tarp packs like us, and a few kids who had been in the program longer and/or were closer to “graduating” had been rewarded better packs after good behavior.
In addition, kids were given more leadership roles in the program as time when on and they had passed certain behavior accomplishments according to the facilitators. The ages of boys ranged from 14-18 years old, with a height range of 4’9-6’5. This was a big gap in age, height, and strength, yet all kids (and us as trainees) had to go through the same experience during “impact” and carry the same amount of weight in our packs and drink the same amount of water each day, which was about 120 oz. As camp leaders, we would have to check the kids’ feet each day for sores or infection, which was also something I couldn’t handle because of the horrible smell. Everyone smelled awful and everything about the experience was dirty and unsanitary in my mind. I knew I would get sick if I personally had to be out there in the woods living like that for any length of time, and I’m sure many of those kids did get sick at some point.
Anyway, the boys “team” liked seeing us and we were able to connect with them because of the suffering we also had just endured through the “impact” phase. The group of kids seemed to act like typical teenagers, and they thought that I was “cool”. I thought that was funny since I was sort of an outsider amongst the group of trainees that I was with. I think the kids liked me because I could relate to them, and I validated some of their thoughts about the program and how it also made me angry.
I liked the kids that I met and knew I could potentially be someone who could support them in some way in the right circumstances, yet I also knew that it could not be in this context. I didn’t feel safe in that environment for many reasons, including that as a 5’2” female out in the wilderness, if one of these kids decided they didn’t like me, or liked me too much, I could end up in a dangerous situation and unable to protect myself. My prediction and thoughts at the time were that of a “lord of the flies” type scenario could easily unravel in this environment which, months later, I learned that something along those lines did occur.
Day 7
We said goodbye to the boys and went on our way to find the next group of teens. This time it was the female group. We didn’t spend a lot of time with them since they were on the move themselves and hiking to a new camp, but we did stop by and join them for lunch and part of their hike. The vibe amongst the women wasn’t as positive as it was with men. Not sure what was going on, but obviously something. Many of the girls complained of having UTI’s because of the unsanitary conditions. I’m not sure how much treatment or supplies they were getting for any of their feminine needs. I can’t recall much aside from our hike and chatting briefly with a few girls. I do remember the girls being so happy to find water to clean themselves and rinse the handkerchiefs that they were using as toilet paper. They used the sun to dry the handkerchiefs, and the facilitators claimed the sun’s heat was sterilizing it to be suitable to use again. Gross!
Day 8
This was the last day. We worked on making fire with sticks and string (bow) a few more times with a partner from our group. My friend, (who like myself ultimately decided not to take the job), and I made a fire and that was uplifting! I also remember the facilitators giving back the disposable cameras to anyone that had brought one, which I did, and was able to capture a photo of the landscape we had just spent the last 8 days living in.
We had one more night in the wilderness before heading back to civilization, and this night was supposed to be a “solo” experience. Each person in the group prepared to split up from everyone else and hike to a secluded area all alone to set up camp. It was called a “24-hour Solo”. We would hear a loud whistle from our facilitators after the 24hrs as a signal that the time was up, and we could reunite with the group and hike out of the wilderness together to get back to the van, which would then return us back to the warehouse and main headquarters of the company.
For me, this experience was scary, yet also a relief. As someone who is more of an introvert, I enjoyed this time alone away from the group...especially after the week I had and what I saw. I was in disbelief about how some of the other trainees in my group changed their personality so quickly. I remember one guy who seemed like a pretty chill laid back hippy turn into a scary militant type leader on a power trip in a matter of a few days. WTF? It didn’t make sense. The shift in some of the people was astounding to see. I now recognize how the tactics they used in this training were an attempt at ”brainwashing” us to become leaders of a program that was abusive to kids. I also think some of the kids from the program eventually became leaders themselves once they finished and were free. My friend and I were the only 2 people out of the 8 trainees that did not take the job.
I survived my “24hr solo”. It rained a little bit and there was some thunder and lightning throughout the night, but luckily, I did not get struck. I was not able to make fire on my own, but at that point I didn’t care, I was just looking forward to getting back home to see my boyfriend and my dogs, and taking a shower. I was feeling super anxious and had poison oak all over my face, but I gathered up my stuff, met up with the group, and finally made it back to the van.
The ride back sucked because one of the psycho facilitators wouldn’t stop talking about stuff I didn’t agree with. I did express to him my feelings and doubts about the process and techniques they were using in the program and how I didn’t think it would work to help these kids. I ultimately thought that it could all backfire on the leaders quickly in that scenario. Once we got back to the warehouse in the mountains, we were scheduled to stay one more day with the group to learn restraining techniques, “just in case” we needed to use them on the kids while out in the field. I didn’t end up participating in that final requirement of the training.
As soon as the van reached a gas station close to the company headquarters and civilization, I was able to call my boyfriend to pick me up immediately. He was surprised to hear from me since he wasn’t expecting to pick me up until the next day, but he did what I asked and headed out to get me. I was so scared and just wanted to be as far away from all those people as I could. I knew I didn’t want any part of that job, so there was no point in staying a minute longer. I grabbed my stuff out of the van and the rest of the group took off back to the headquarters to finish the training. I sat on the curb at the gas station and waited for the next 2 hours for my ride.
The entire experience was difficult for me, but I am also proud of myself for getting through it, as ugly as it was. After spending that time overnight alone in the desert, I did come to some positive realizations. One was that, if I could get through that, I could get through anything, and I realized that I would and could survive on my own if I had to. I also realized that I didn’t have to spend my life alone, that I wanted it to be spent with my boyfriend who I came back to Colorado to be with, along with our two dogs. We did eventually get married and have created a family together.
-Maura Brickman