Test the Water...
Before I put my toe in the water, I had to first get to the source. There had been no plans really to get wet, but when the shimmer of the sun hit the liquid, it was presented simply. Here it was, before my eyes, however just a puddle. Little did I know this fluid would become an ocean, nor did I imagine once I felt the texture of the liquid, it’s very essence and my perception of it would change beyond belief.
It began with some decades long submerged thoughts and feelings that rose to the surface. There had been rumblings within my spirit for a while. When I became a member of this religion, at 25 years old, I’d found paradise! I held onto those ideas, and proved them to myself as the sacred word encouraged us to do. Even today, I cannot dispel the belief within that one day paradise will come. This is but a remnant of the body of “truths” that I held so firmly for decades.
I cannot attest as to why I never pursued or questioned certain core doctrines when the presentations hit me from their publications. A bell went off when I read a few key doctrines…but it got stuffed down inside because of the joyful personality of the woman conducting the study of their literature and the Bible. It was easy too because of the warmth of the congregation. I was told if I didn’t understand something, that in time I would get the correct understanding. Once I reached “maturity” in their teachings it would be revealed to me through following the leadership of the men at the top of the organization. Members had to be loyal to all of the instruction coming from this group. Dissent of any kind was discouraged. Questions were to be directed to the “older men” of the congregation, (or our husbands), who would direct us to the leaders at the top for complete understanding.
When I became aware of rumors circulating about child sex abuse, I firmly rejected such ideas. It wasn’t until I read an official statement available online about their stand on child protection (child sex abuse). The clarity within that document screamed “protect the spirituality of the offender”…in no uncertain terms it was literally stated that such an offender could remain in the church if repentant. Who determined that? Was it God? No, it was MEN, a judicial committee. They determined who could stay. That, combined with my own experience as a parent of a victim, compelled me to pry behind the curtain so to speak. If truth cannot be questioned or “proven/disproved”, then on what does it stand? The whole world literally was teaming with cases, proven and tried in courts of law. I wanted PROOF. And proof was floating in the ever expanding puddle of water which was slowly landing home, a tsunami!
The outrage that physically hit my body exploded and imploded simultaneously. That entire process took four years for me to unravel and no human would or could help. I reached out, communicating my dismay, grief and fury to the ones we’d been told to go to for help. The men, the leaders. Not one soul could explain any of this to me, nor could they justify any of the actions or methods used in these situations. Where was the healing salve? No one could erase the damage, explain this away, use scriptures to “answer” for it all. And what would I say to a potential recruit while I was proselytizing, if they asked me about such matters? I could never suggest to a person that this was the religion they should join. I could never show my face or form my mouth to say that they should! After writing 2 letters to the “top”, and the older men as they’re called, I threw in my gloves. It was a wrap.
During that four year process, I began to dissect rumor, myth, gossip, and all fallacy. I only had one friend I could talk to about this. She had begun her own quest to find the whole “truth and nothing but the truth” as they say when you are sworn in during a court proceeding. She and I would read and discuss case studies, court findings, absolute shunning of those who leave the organization or break rules, contradictions in teachings, changes in doctrine and claims of these leaders being Gods representatives on earth. We were afraid to tell our spouses about what we were finding out from research. We had no desire for argument or confrontation, for fear of beating hearts, racing pulses, mental anguish…we knew what discussion of these things would bring. At least for the time being we only had each other.
Ultimately, in the end, you have only yourself as an individual. Perhaps in this situation we discovered we had to be an island, period, in the midst of an ever growing body of water called evidence. Your whole leg is now in the water since you’d tested the water with your toe initially. That is fearlessness.
You are the person you go to sleep with at night, you lay your own head on your pillow, you awaken to yourself every day. If you are or were a praying person, there is that aspect. The expression “guilty by association” rang true in my head for a few years. I became more angry, more disturbed, and the “head games” or indoctrination felt like a tumor in my brain. It just worked on me, making me feel guilty, wrong, unspiritual, and disloyal. Did I say crazy yet? It wasn’t that I would lose family, because I had none in the organization. I had a couple friends, nobody really close though. I knew my actions were making me stronger. It was hard, more than hard. It was a form of extended torture. My one and only companion in this has more to lose. Were she to sever ties formally, she’d be shunned completely, having a lot of family in this organization. I wonder what she will do eventually. She’s a warrior. I support her, and her current decision is to fade away with nothing formal at this point.
My overriding statement in this situation is this: You are in this organization because you love your brotherhood, your family, your worship. It is because of this love that you may refrain from learning more about these matters. I would say be a lawyer, be an inquirer, be a fact finder. Be your own advocate! Be cautious about what you believe in regard to said claims said about this organization. That’s what critical thinking is! Prove that these claims are false, prove it to yourself, and know that there is a community of support that will be there for you regardless of your findings. You will never, ever, regret touching your toe into the water and testing it. You may even learn to swim and show others how to do the same.
~Wordstar
#igotout