Defrosting...
I am a 24 year old woman who spent 19 years of my life in a cult. In that time, I survived extensive mind control, abuse, psychological warfare, isolation, manipulation, brainwashing, and trauma, alongside those closest to me. I relate to Steven Hassan’s example of feeling your soul “bend”, and my soul bent for most of my life.
Today and even as a young child, I’ve always wanted to learn and ask more questions so I that could learn and understand more - like a collector of exciting information. I find it exhilarating to theorize any and all things. But this trait was a threat to all of those around me, both in the cult and at ‘home’.
Even born and raised in this terrifying environment, my little self (6-7 years old) would feel something go off in my head, like a little flashlight turning on in the deep, darkness, trying to get my attention. I would think, why are all these adults hurting us when we’re trying our best and following the rules? Why do they preach love and forgiveness, but hate us, lie, keep secrets, and cover up the bruises on their wives? Isn’t that a sin too?
Why is my friend’s mom being forced to have 14 babies, even after she told my mom that she tells her husband ‘no’? Why am I being left alone or taken to places by myself with so many adults I don’t know? Why was I beaten when I couldn’t memorize so much of the old testament?
Why do grownups do things to me and then say “don’t tell”? Why does our God say that my parents should stone me to death, so when they do other things to me and my siblings, it’s nicer?
If they say God loves us, why do they tell me that I will be mauled to death by “she-bears”? (It was either bears or struck by lightning, can’t tell which is more appealing!)
Fast forward many years to my first tangible moment of beginning to wake up from this waking nightmare. I was 22, sitting across from my therapist, hunched over in a ball, shielding myself from the impending bear-or-lightning attack, when I said in the quietest whisper, “God isn’t real...”
He and I both sat still as I looked up and at the door, feeling frozen solid to the couch and simultaneously sweaty. He smiled and said something encouraging but the ringing in my ears blocked it out. I said it again, just as quiet, but unclenching my fists, as I realized the mystical bear-mauling punishment might not actually happen today? That day, I felt like I began to defrost from the cult mind control (hence the feeling of being frozen in place and sweaty at the same time!)
I still love learning and asking questions. One special thing I do to caress that inner child of mine is ask my fiance to “talk science” with me at night before I fall asleep. He’ll tell me something amazing I had never been allowed to learn about as a kid, like how the moon was formed, how oceans have currents, the age of some prehistoric beings.. all mind-blowing for me.. and I eat it all up.
I want to write a book and start a podcast about my story because just combatting silence, whispers, and secrets through speaking out is my ultimate ingredient for recovery. Speaking up is advocating for the needs of my inner child, and the best offense against those who still want me to be silent. That, and thriving in my work and daily life, which I do with my fiance and our two corgis by my side.
xoxo ~ Ciara Rain Caldwell