Gypsy Night...

~~~CONTENT WARNING~~~

Excitement was in the air.

It was dress up night. This was a common occurrence in the cult. Since we were not allowed to mingle with "outsiders," we would often have themed dance nights.

Tonight was gypsy night. We spent the afternoon finding odd ball loose clothing to wear. Often our outfits were whatever we could make with the sheets on our beds.

Tonight was a special night. There was a tent with a woman inside. She had a crystal ball. One by one each person sat down, and as she peered into her crystal ball she would peek with one eye at the list of names on a crumpled piece of notebook paper on her lap. The list paired the men and women with their sexual partners for the night.

This was part of life in the cult. We were taught that sharing our bodies sexually was what God wanted, and necessary to bring His blessings. I stood by the tent watching people come out, big grins on their faces as they sought out their partner for the evening.

I cried standing there. I was scared. I was only 12 years old, and I was on that list. We were considered adults at the age of 12 and were made sexually available to the men. I dreaded the moment when I would have to go in and be paired up with a man who would have his way with me.

I was shaking as I entered the tent. The woman stared hard into her crystal ball. Her eyes crinkled to hide the fact that she was looking down at the list. Then the dreaded words came out of her mouth. Uncle Pedro was my partner. He was the one person I just could not bring myself to have sex with.

I cried and cried and ran and hid. They tried to persuade me that it would be OK, that I could enjoy it if I let it happen. I couldn't do it. "Please no," I begged. Finally they gave in to my pleas. There was an alternative. I could have a threesome with Uncle J. and his daughter. That night was my first threesome, at the age of 12. With a man and his daughter.

I can never escape the memories of that night. Large chunks of my memory are completely blank. But that night isn't. I often wonder, if what I remember is THIS BAD, what the hell have I blocked out?

~Jemima