I was in a political cult...

In the autumn of 2017, I became a member of a far-left political cult which practices a rigid form of Orthodox Trotskyism. I joined it around the same time as I went to university for the first time. I discovered the organization through the Internet after months of reading left-wing literature and being persuaded by Marxist ideas. I was at a very vulnerable time in my life - living away from home for the first time, feeling resentment towards my family, looking for a higher purpose. I was the perfect victim.

For two and a half years, I loyally served the cult - selling papers, recruiting people, speaking at meetings of the Marxist Society on campus and putting forward the 'party line', attending the national meetings we held throughout the year and interacting with all the other members of the organization. I would spend my spare time reading and re-reading the organization's literature and reinforcing the doctrine. Now and then I would have my doubts, but I would suppress them.

When I confessed having doubts about our position on the degeneration of the Russian Revolution and the rise of Stalinism, the leadership of the organization went into a panic. The regional full-timer condemned me for heresy and warned me that I was under party discipline to uphold the line of the organization or be expelled. I was hurt and angry, and was thrown into despair. Maybe he was right? Maybe I was jumping to conclusions. On the other hand, I resented being belittled and my ideas dismissed without even a moment's consideration. I was frustrated by the banal repetition of the party line and the lack of critical thinking. I caught myself feeling self-hatred and guilt, and told myself that this was ridiculous. Was I a free-thinker who dared to take my thoughts where they led, or was I going to be cowed into submission? 

As if that was not enough, I began reading criticisms of the internal regime of far-left organizations from other ex-members of sects. I now realized that the organization I was in was a political cult. I was so demoralized and disgusted that I walked out and did not waste my time on a rigged 'internal debate' which would lead to my expulsion.

Leaving the cult, I was ostracized by all those I had known and worked with for two and a half years. Those 'friendships' had not been genuine, but entirely dependent on agreement with the cult. It was an emotionally grueling time for me, and I was devastated, but thankful to be free. Even now, I feel intense anger, resentment and distress over my experience with the organization. However, with each day I become stronger and understand that I was a victim of cultic mind control.

I would like to say to anyone who is in and is considering getting out - you have nothing to lose. You may be afraid to lose 'friends' in the organization, but they are not real friends and therefore not worth keeping. You may think that you have already spent so much time and energy on it and it is too late to quit, but the sooner you quit, the sooner you can rebuild your life. Do not end up like the leader of my cult, who wasted his entire life on this nonsense, dying at 93 and with nothing to show for it. You deserve better. You do not need to meet such a pathetic end. The ostracism, the slander, the abuse - all of it is worth the pleasure of taking back control of your own life and no longer being around conformist drones.

~Aaron