Ancient Eastern wisdom commodified by an insatiable master...

I got out of an online-based Taoist cult. In roughly 3 months, I became acquainted with the Taoist master's teachings by watching his videos on YouTube, got initiated, then ordained and ready to dedicate the rest of my life to burning from 6 to 30 incense sticks every single day… And I HATE incense!

I was also dedicating an increasing amount of time to many different rites - always growing in number, frequency, length and complexity; in front of an altar that was supposed to keep growing in size, and amount of statues and other holy instruments.

My whole adult life has been about seeking help, fueled by my depression and its accompanying series of bizarre failures in my career and romantic relationships.

I've been in and out of therapy, all sorts of self-help, ancient Eastern religions, that I believed had purer wisdom than the Catholicism that I grew up in by default.

2 years in and out of social isolation during the pandemic, and yet another heartbreak drove me this time to Jungian analysis.

But after completely losing trust in my analyst - who said I was going to lose my soul if I didn't accept her vibrational alignment techniques, taught by a controversial podcaster and a doctor with many scientifically questionable views on quantum physics - I figured I should skip analysis and go straight to religious faith, since Jung himself believed that's the only thing that can heal someone going through a mental health crisis.

With this history of feeling betrayed by the ones who should've helped me, it was easy to believe the Taoist master when he said my life had turned out so bad because of evil spirits in another dimension who had a vendetta against me, and were just waiting for the day I'd give up and kill myself.

It was even a relief when he told me I had to swap everything I owned, because they were tagged by these evil spirits! I wanted a fresh start so bad!

I put so much faith "in the Tao" to help me take charge of my life. I spent every money I could get on everything the master suggested - even expensive tech gadgets we were pushed to buy, every day there was a new product recommendation!

And as I offered to do the copywriting on his website, even more work and commitments just kept coming.

What good was my dedication to the Tao, if I was stretched too thin to rebuild my career and my relationship with my friends and family?

Something finally clicked when some of the most faithful disciples, who owed their life to this lineage and the master, had a complete change of heart. The first thing I thought was: that's my chance to complain about the eyesore of an incense pot these guys had sent me, instead of the grandiose copper pot everyone else had!

Such an irrelevant thing, but I couldn't shake this feeling of disgust towards my altar… and it was not like we could have a two-way conversation about any topic - much less about the supplies they sold for our altars, a.k.a. the gods workstation.

It was just a matter of time, and of course it was messy. Even I thought I was simply rebelling, at first. Why did I even join!?

The master called me names, told me I had a black heart and was a lost case. I took it to heart at first, I've been told this before.

"This is it. I tried and screwed up again… it's high time I'm locked up in a mental institution" - the usual thought came for a moment.

But something was different this time. Another thought soon crossed my mind, and it was so dark, comical and ridiculous, it helped me put things into perspective:

"Oh! This was my version of a man who goes through a torrid fling with some woman he just met, just to call her crazy when the relationship is over 2 months later!"

Some people are sexually promiscuous, and I'm spiritually promiscuous. Ew - I'm the f*ckgirl of religions! I don't want to be that!

So now I finally understand something I read a few years ago: you don't need to add suffering to your life.

More specifically in my case, I don't need to add weirdness to my life, just because I've been carrying this feeling of being misunderstood ever since I was a kid.

Of course I still have all those challenges that have driven me to seek help all these years, but I can see the only thing that's been legit this whole time is this annoyingly resilient faith I have in myself.

My auto-pilot reaction is to shame myself for being so gullible as to join a cult, and that tells me one day I'll probably write more on that experience, and really dissect all the eccentric twist-and-turns.

But I want to do it in a positive, constructive way. First, I need to finally honor my audacity to have dreams for my future again.

~ Aromatic Royal