Blood & Faith...

“Your platelets have dropped to 88, you need to get here right away so we can get the baby out! You have what’s called HELLP syndrome!

I could hear the panic in the doctor’s voice despite her valiant attempts to stay calm.

“But I’ve JUST made it to 35 weeks, that feels early for us!” I immediately grabbed my packet containing my birth plan— the very packet that listed all the reasons I willingly would die before receiving a blood transfusion.

“We have to get the baby out just get here. We are waiting for you!”

I scooped up my 14-month-old baby girl and despite my instinctive need to say goodbye to her, I couldn’t do it. I thought, “If mommy doesn’t come home, you’ll have a new sibling & I left a journal behind detailing this day for you and what happened.” I made her what I believed to be her last bottle of warm milk and stared at her face that I memorized so well.

That ride to the hospital was the longest 45 minutes I’ve ever experienced. I had just left one baby behind, unsure if I’ll return with the other; accepting that I might not.

“We are going to do everything we can to keep your platelet count where it’s at as you go in for this C-section. Sign here that you accept we will do everything we can without blood but we cannot guarantee success in your condition.”

I signed it.

As I lay on my side on a thin black mattress on top a narrow gurney, I surrendered to the endless possible outcomes. I surrendered control to an organization that claims to be the gatekeeper of God’s approval. I was spiritually “in good standing” so surely he’d save us!

But “time and unforeseen occurrence befall us all” so there’s really no guarantee, is there? Just live (and die) by the rules, and all will be okay.

I counted backward as the anesthesia slowly took over.

Over a decade later, I don’t even recognize the mother who signed on the dotted line to accept death over life. I signed it under coercion and indoctrination. Fully accepting my kids would not have a mother, I surrendered to blind faith.

This is a trauma that countless people never recover from and I consider myself lucky having survived the entire ordeal. Some do not survive.

~Wendi Renay