The COVID-19 Pandemic Saved My Life*

*This statement in no way undermines the immense pain and suffering that the last 18 months has impacted on the World, this is my personal story.

You might wonder why I choose to title this “leaving my cult” essay with such a title, please allow me to explain.

I was what is commonly referred to as a “born-in”. That means, from birth I was expected to take on the beliefs and fervour my parents held for the cult they were indoctrinated into. From childhood I was expected to explain to my teachers – adults – why I, as a young child, would not be participating in the usual childhood activities that take place at school. From Christmas carol concerts, creating Easter eggs and cards to celebrate Mothers or Father’s Day, to simple things such as wishing a classmate “Happy Birthday”. When I was very little, I did not really understand why I was quietly approaching the teacher’s desk and whispering “I’m not allowed to do this” to be met by a quizzical look and then a sigh. Then I would be given another activity, such as drawing a flower instead of a Christmas Tree on a piece of paper. I was different. My teachers knew it, my classmates knew it, and I knew it.

As I grew older into teenage years, the bullying started. Luckily, I was quite a confident child, and I managed to accumulate a lot of friends. I was highly sensitive to the needs of others. We were indoctrinated to put everyone else’s needs before yourself. Because of this, children would come to me crying when they fell over in the playground, in later years crying from stress about exams. I was always the shoulder to cry on, so I was able to weather my school years reasonably well. However, I still remember the relief of leaving school. My last day at Senior (High) school was to take a History GSCE exam. Once the exam ended, all my friends gathered around hugging and crying, relieved the exams were over, but sad that school life had ended and that we were now being catapulted into the adult world. I distinctly recall my relief. I did not say goodbye to anyone. I wanted to get out of there as soon as I possibly could. I gathered my belongings and practically ran out of the exam hall to the car where my mother was waiting for me. I did not look back. I was happy to get away from that environment. I felt I could at last breathe.

Everyone I knew was going onto higher education, but this was frowned upon in my religion of birth. I also did not want to do it. I wanted to get out into the “world” and earn some money as soon as I could. I ended up managing to get an apprenticeship at a car manufacturing plant. Two weeks after my last exam, at 16 years of age, I was thrust into the “adult world of work”.

I was so ill-equipped to deal with adult “worldly” people, I did not eat food properly for nearly two months. The nerves and anxiety I felt were tremendous. I did not understand how to interact, and I did not understand the jokes. I did not swear, and I had never drunk coffee! It took months for me to gain confidence.

My religion of birth expected us to “make a stand” in the workplace. This meant we were expected to announce as soon as possible that we were members of said religion, and therefore would not be taking part in birthday or Christmas activities. I did not. I wanted to be normal. I did not say a word. When birthday cards came around, I just signed them. I did not write a message. I felt that was my way of joining in without joining in. I knew from a very young age I was not happy in my religion.

Time pressed on and along with that came serious mental health concerns. I was severely depressed. I started medication from the age of 18 to help manage it. Twice over the years I have suffered from a nervous breakdown. The last one brought on by the tragic Paris terrorist attacks. My religion is a “doomsday” cult. We were expecting the “time of the end” any moment. My brain could not cope with the relentless media coverage. I became obsessed. I paced the hallway of my apartment. The 24-hour news coverage on loop. I was a crying wreck. I ended up signed off work from nearly two months from the stress. My parents, who have always been very loving, were concerned. They did not know what to do with me. My mother made excuses. Poor mental health “ran in the females” in her family. I was lumped into that category. That was the reason. I was poorly because of that surely.

I reached the age of 40. I was unmarried and childless. I never really believed the rhetoric that was relentlessly pumped out by the leaders, but the familiar and social pressure had me trapped. Luckily, I had my head screwed on. I had a pension, a degree (thank you night school!) and a career. But I did not have a family of my own. My religion expects you to “marry in the Lord”. That means you must marry someone from within the cult. I never met anyone who I felt attracted to, so I was alone. In my cult, if you are not married by the age of 25, you are “on the shelf”. I was 40, so well past it. I led a double life, dating men who did interest me, but they were not cult believers. They were “worldly”. It never lasted. It could not. My family would never have accepted them.

I was reaching crisis point. And then the worldwide pandemic hit. Suddenly church attendance was cancelled. Services were moved online to allow them to continue safely. For the first few months I would log-on, but I quickly found myself muting the relentless sermons. I started to feel calmer. Even happy! I mentioned my feelings to a friend. She had also been brought up in the cult, but she had followed her heart and true self and announced to her family she was a lesbian. This was not allowed so she was immediately shunned by her family and everyone she knew. So, she flew to the other side of the World and started a new life. Against the rules I kept in touch with her. I personally do not have any issues with the LGBT community and did not agree with the doctrines, and I was not about to start shunning one of my best friends. When I told her how I was feeling, she saw a chink in my armour. I believe every member of a high control religion / cult has an invisible armour. We are all taught that if anyone “attacks” our beliefs we should immediately “put on our suit of armour” and block out any negativity about the beliefs. She sent me a long email, debunking one of the key doctrines of my religion. It was immediately over. I was mentally out. That email broke through my beliefs, and I was “awake”. The pandemic had allowed me the mental space I needed to think straight at last.

From there I have spent the last year carefully unravelling all my years of indoctrination. I have sought help from various sources. I am based in the UK, so I am lucky to have access to mental health provisions provided by the NHS. I know I am lucky. I managed to find a counsellor who had experience with a high-control religion herself as a child, so she helped me. One of her key teachings that she repeated over and over to me was “self-care is not selfish”. I was always taught to put everyone above myself. From God to the religious leaders, to my congregation, to my family, to my friends – and I was last. I was a little spec of nothingness that needed to thrash myself into the ground to feel worthy. Coming back from that has been a journey that I still struggle with. It is all a learning curve.

What am I doing now? Well, I am lucky. My family love me very much. I have been honest with them and told them I simply do not believe anymore. They were extremely upset, but they have not shunned me like they are taught to do. I know I am in the minority. I do not want to upset that dynamic. I want to help others, so I have managed to volunteer “behind the scenes” with a well-known ex-cult activist who campaigns for all the things I believe in. I want to help others escape. I hope my story helps you realise – you can do it too, and you are not alone, there is a whole community of us out here.

~Producer Bob
https://twitter.com/ProducerBob_XJW