Luck of the Podcast...

I got out of a group that I originally thought would help me become a more confident and effective person in the world. While I was in this group, I participated in several exercises that I now know are standard manipulation tactics in abusive cults and relationships.

I participated in these exercises with the full force of my being. I really believed I was helping others and, myself. I really believed I was special and had an opportunity to change the world for the better.

One of the biggest impressions the group made on me was that of being "authentic" and telling "hard truths". The idea was that most people are going through their life dissatisfied because they are telling themselves a "story" about who they are and what they are capable of. Our job, as members of this group, was to "break through" these stories in ourselves, and others, and get people to realize that all that really mattered was "intention". If we were intentional "enough", everything else we desired in life would follow. One of the mantras we repeated was "Be. Do. Have.". Another deliberately vague and open-ended "mantra" was, "Oh what the fuck. Do whatever it takes." I would often find myself plagued by this mantra when deciding whether or not to further jeopardize my well-being and relationships with my loved ones.

This injection of beliefs in myself resulted in me damaging many of the most important relationships in my life, all in the name of the "greater good" and because I felt severe mental pressure to confront people in the most direct and abrasive ways. If I resisted these impulses, I would literally feel the pressure mounting in my mind as the mantras and beliefs that had become such an integral part of my personality were repeated, until at last, I relented and expressed whatever "hard truth" “needed” to be expressed. Most of the time, people in my life were perplexed by my behavior and often times, they would come to view me as strange and untrustworthy.

Randomly, listened to a podcast about cults and undue influence.

I partially feel like I got out because I had no other choice, but the truth is, if I haven't randomly stumbled upon that podcast, I would most likely still be making decisions today under the influence of my cultic-thinking.

The mental pressure I experienced as a result of my experience in the group led to me making extremely irrational decisions. These decisions led to an immense amount of pain in my life, which I am still experiencing and processing.

I am in the process of healing and educating myself, including receiving therapy from a counselor who is experienced with cults and the phenomenon of undue influence.

I am putting the pieces of my life back together one at a time. I often fear that some pieces may be gone for good, but I continue anyway.

The practice of mindfulness meditation has been immensely helpful in providing the space for me to examine my thoughts and not identify with them. It has allowed me to question the origin of thoughts, and identify many of the unhealthy and irrational automatic thought processes that were a direct result of my experience in the group.

The last 10 years of my life have been a chaotic roller coaster, but through it all I have learned much about myself and what I am capable of. The burgeoning #igotout movement, and the continued proliferation of resources for those recovering from abusive cults and relationships continues to give me hope and purpose in my life, for which I am very grateful.