Naked In The Wilderness...

I ordered this book out of one of my Dad's hunting magazines. I wanted to know everything about my Dad's world "The Great Outdoors".

It was so much, much, much bigger than my own world. I had just turned 13 and something changed in our relationship. I craved the good old days with Dad. I read the entire book so I could have something to offer on our next hunting trip. After all I had been his camping buddy ever since his Son stopped visiting him when he turned 13. He didn’t like my Dad’s rules.

Unfortunately, I never got to go on another camping trip with my Dad. He went with the men from the hall and he needed me to stay back with my mother. She wasn't good with being alone and she definitely didn’t want to go camping with my Dad and his friends.

I wonder if Dad really isn't taking me on his trips anymore because I got myself sunburnt the last time and he had to nurse me all weekend. I should have known better but I didn't have this book then. It was my fault. I was just overly hard on myself at that time in my life.

The real reason my father stopped taking me was because the other men all brought their sons and those sons were now noticing me, noticing my Dad, noticing them. My body betrayed me and severed my relationship with my Father by growing boobs. Why couldn't I have just been born a boy?

The answer to that question wasn't in this book but it piqued a lifelong interest in me for Primitive Living beyond just Surviving. I wanted so badly to just walk out into the woods and never be seen again. Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes if it ever comes down to it.

Those thoughts eventually inspired me to join “Girls Who Hike LA” and a Thomas Coyne Survival Course. These hikes encouraged profound changes in my mental and emotional well-being. My entire outlook on life was eventually flipped upside down. I was able to heal. Like a pilgrimage to a sacred place I took each step one at a time and conferred with myself over my past.

I logged over 100 hikes in 2 years. The last 8 being the tallest peaks in Southern California. Talk about shadow work. I chased the shadow of the peak up to the crest as the sun slowly rose over the adjacent mountains that were casting their shadows across the landscape. I was one of those 5AM Assholes.

I accomplished all of this immediately following his death. The grieving process was done entirely in the open air with the sun on my skin, my heart pumping blood and oxygen to my Brain. In the Wonder and Awe of Nature all around me. 

That wasn’t the only book that I scoured over in order to have a better understanding of my father who was the strong and silent type. When I was a little older I slipped his Elder Handbook into my bag after he told me that I couldn't live under his roof anymore. I hadn’t been to a meeting since running into my abusive ex at the hall. I couldn’t stomach sitting in the same room as him.

I was an adult after all, how hard could it be to just go out into the world on my own? Harder than it looks. I had no education and only waitressing experience. I felt naked and afraid but I did it.

I was so curious about the Elder body and their long meetings after hours behind closed doors. A whole world I would never be qualified to enter. When I finally read Shepherd the Flock or whatever it’s called, it validated my gut feelings about this organization. The veil was lifted but it would be years before I was able to get out. That’s how it goes when your family is in a cult.

Unfortunately, it took both my parents deaths and my best friends suicide to finally start making moves to fade. Fading was the plan so I could keep some connection with my siblings but once I came out as a homosexual they took it upon themselves to treat me like a disfellowshipped member.

All the waiting, and buying out my time, and looking for the right opportunity, to avoid the disfellowshipping strategy of the cult, felt like it was for nothing when they decided to shun me anyways. But if that’s the price I have to pay for freedom, so be it. 

 ~Cerese