Note to Self: Don't Join Another Cult!
I was born 6th and 7th generation in an American cult, cleverly disguised as a religion.
My ancestors on both of my parents’ sides go back to the beginning of the cult. I was born “under the covenant”, which means, my parents were married and “sealed” to each other for “time and all eternity” in one of the sacred (and secret) temples before I was born. They participated in the rituals and rites that would ensure our family would be together forever in the afterlife, and they indoctrinated me and my siblings in these ways, like their parents had indoctrinated them. My father further cemented compliance by physically beating me.
In my late 20’s, after I had been a temple ordinance worker and had been sealed to my husband in the temple, I decided to take a more objective look at the truth claims of this high-demand religion, something that is greatly discouraged, as critical views are seen as “anti-”, and as one of the many sneaky ways Satan, the great adversary, could grab ahold of my soul and turn me to the dark side. I proceeded with shaky knees and a pit in my stomach, knowing I was risking becoming an apostate and being cast into outer darkness, a forever state of misery.
Once I got past my pre-programmed fears, I quickly realized the contrary views of this religious group were valid arguments, and the wishful thinking/spell I had been living under broke. I left the religion, and I became very depressed. I did not know I had been in a cult; I did not realize I had unresolved trauma from my authoritarian upbringing, and I was not aware that my “mental software” had been hijacked. I didn’t know I needed a specific kind of help to recover and this left me feeling purposeless, tribe-less, and very vulnerable.
I did not know what the red flags of cults were, and so it was perfectly natural for me to find community in another group, that also turned out to be a cult. Self-awareness, self-improvement, and human potential training/workshops were appealing, and were compelling for reasons that I did not understand. (These were LGATs – Large Group Awareness Trainings – that I now know promised the unobtainable, and used undue influence to maintain participation.) I stayed in the second cult community for three years, and then I moved to another.
I participated in 4 different cults before I started to see I had a pattern of dissonance, self-gaslighting, and scrupulosity.
Once I no longer participated in any cults, I was compelled to understand how I had fallen prey, and that meant I needed to deconstruct the original cult I was born and raised in. It is very clear to me now that this church was a cult in the beginning, and it is still a cult today. There are many off-shoots of this group, and most of those are also cults.
I now know the red flags of cults. I can recognize undue influence. I have now gotten the help I needed to resolve trauma. I now recognize my inner wisdom, I get the care I need, and I take care of myself, I can regulate emotions and set healthy boundaries, and I use my voice to speak up. I am so glad I broke the pattern of cult-hopping, and I am so grateful that I got out.