On Becoming...

I got out of an abusive cultic relationship with my narcissistic mother. Anyone who knows the both of us would not believe me.

She is very charismatic, and makes a convincing case that I’m the one who’s confused and unstable. She also pulls off with confidence a claim to psychic powers and access to spiritual wisdom beyond this earthly realm. I believed this, too, until only recently.

When I started to set boundaries and made requests for a more equitable relationship, she took it as a personal attack. But this time I wasn’t backing down, because my husband had left.

I’d been trained to sacrifice myself, but now that she had affected someone I loved, I had to confront the situation for what it was. I am realizing I experienced over thirty years of daily emotional abuse by a covert narcissist who saw herself as my spiritual guru. Questioning her was not tolerated; being my own person wasn’t encouraged.

I saved my marriage, but I’m still in the process of building a new life and learning who I am. I’d been raised to serve my mother’s needs, so I often defer to others, and I sometimes wish I were dead, because I’m not convinced my life has value, or that anyone would miss me that much.

~Clara