정미 My official second name is Jeungmi (pronounced like Jŏng-mee)...

I was told it means "beauty of the heavenly heart", but its literal meaning is more like "beauty of affection". My parents wouldn't know because they don't speak Korean. In the religious group I grew up in, Korea, Koreans and Korean culture were considered superior. Within this class/ caste system, many parents found it appropriate to give their children a Korean first or second name. And so, a top-level Korean leader whom I have never met named me.

I loved having a Korean name, as my first and last name are pretty standard and boring. However, it has also caused me anxiety every single time I have had to show my ID or any other official document with my name on it. It made me nervous, when I showed my ID to a professor at an exam or handed in a paper, when name lists were distributed in classes, when I applied for a new passport or a visa, when I sent out a job application, and when I get checked for my ticket in the bus or train.

Will the person looking at my name ask why I, a white person, have a Korean second name? If so, what shall I answer? Most people let it pass, but there have been several instances in which both people I don't have any personal connection to and people close to me confronted me with this question.

In my head I have made up, repeated, and adapted my answer several times…because I didn't want to tell the truth. It has usually been: "My parents were in a student movement against communism. During that time, my parents saw parallels between the German and Korean experience of a separated state, and they thought it would be great to give me and my siblings a Korean name."

That felt comfortable, because it wasn't a complete lie. The church fought against communism and the reason my parents moved to my hometown Bonn was to do activism work for the church in the capital of Germany at that time.

After leaving the church, I have felt resentment towards my name. I didn't want it to be part of me anymore, I didn't want people to ask me about it, I didn't want to have to decide whether I should stick to the answer I made up or tell the truth.

I have hated that my cult past is officially documented, literally inscribed in my identity, and cannot be hidden by me. I have thought about going to the citizen registration office and paying for changing my name by deleting my second name, but even if I would, it will not shake off my past.

I guess it is appropriate that Jeungmi is my official name, because my upbringing will influence me, my identity, and my life forever. My name is the official proof that this is what has happened to me and what I lived through.

At least, I can partly identify with the meaning of my name. My "Jeong", my affection, is the reason why I stayed for as long as I did…and it is the reason why I left.This is not only my story, but the story of at least ten thousand people and maybe even more.

~Julia