Why Leaving a Cult Sucks...

When average people think about cults, it's easy to think about what you usually hear about, which are their harms.

But when you're in an intense group, especially one that espouses a message of love and enlightenment, being in that group can feel like an incredible high. It feels good to feel not only incredibly loved but incredibly important. A lot of new age spiritual cults, such as the one I was in, teach that members are some of a select few on Earth; in fact, in my group, we were taught that we were unique and special not only on Earth, but within a universe (or even multi-verse) of other sentient beings. And not only that, but we were lucky enough to exist in this moment in time where we could be especially powerful.

In other words, previous spiritual cultures? They had nothing on us. People in other places in the world (or other worlds)? They couldn't do what we did. We didn't just feel superior, we knew we were superior. Our group used to save the planet at least once a year by removing a planet-sized dimensional parasite from the earth via a specialized guided meditation (as one does). Did you ever feel like your mood lifted in the springtime? That was us. We did that. You're welcome. People who were not lucky enough to be in our group we called "muggles" (as in the derogatory word for non-wizards in Harry Potter).

What that amounted to was being imbued with a tremendous sense of purpose. I felt like I was special, loved, and righteous. I felt like I was chosen, like I had a unique and lucky destiny, surrounded by the best of the best spiritual warriors in the entire universe.

And then, through a series of events, this illusion fell apart. And once all of those deceptions began to crumble, there was, initially, relief. I felt like I could begin to think clearly for myself. The feeling of persistent paranoia started to melt off of me. (We were constantly told to be vigilant that we were being bombarded with energetic evil attack.)

But, as empowering as the truth can be, it was followed by a sinking realization: I was not a superhero. I was not a savior of the planet. I was, essentially, just a dude. I had been taught a kind of selection bias rooted in white privilege. In the cult, I was taught that when I had good things, it was because I manifested them. And when bad things happened, it was because of "attack", an external force which had nothing to do with me.

The work of removing new age spirituality rooted in white supremacy meant accepting the uncomfortable truths of privilege. The things I had "manifested" were assisted by systemic advantages. And when bad things happened, there was no battle to fight, to make me feel like the hero in a war waged against evil. Instead, it was just the randomness and inherent unfairness of human existence.

Unfortunately, this experience has left me with deep scars around my sense of purpose which I'm still processing. It sucks. And it's embarrassing that I ever felt something so extremely grandiose, or felt superiority over other human beings. I feel ashamed at my own naïveté. One of the things the leader of my cult was exceptional at, besides profound psychological manipulation, was teaching a kind of self-brainwashing. Yes, I was duped. Yes, I was deceived. I started out being taught self-acceptance and self-love, but eventually I was taught to self-select information. I was taught to brainwash myself, and I got decently good at it.

It's a hard thing to recover from. My sense of self-acceptance and self-love are damaged by association. It's hard to even engage with concepts like purpose. Yet, at the same time, I'm grateful to feel like I have my own mind. I'm thankful I got out. And I know that with time, therapy, and conversation, my healing will continue, and this will get easier.

~Matthew