I got out of a high control group, but the group didn't leave me...

Everything I was taught about my place in the world, my purpose, my value, and how much room there is for my voice has been and remains an uninvited companion.

Sundays were the worst. This was the day of the week when I'd be summoned to the kitchen for a 'Family Meeting'. I sat in a chair and had to sit there for as long as it took for my mentor to brief me in all the ways I was failing. 

“God you're ugly.” 
“Your breasts are too small.” 
“You're not smart.” 
“You're not strong.”
“You don't have confidence, and you'll never have confidence.”

Those words hurt but it was 'The Game' that stayed with me. The goal was to teach me I would never be able to trust my own mind.

Mentor picks up a glass, "What is this?"

Ani shaking, "It's ... it's a ... glass."

Mentor grins, "Is it? Or do you just *think* it's a glass? You see, you don't know the difference between fantasy and reality, and you'll always need me to help you with that."

Mentor loved this game. He played different versions of ‘The Game’ depending on the circumstances. 

He had a favorite saying too. "Who are you going to believe - Me? Or your eyes?"

I've spent 45 years fighting. I'm tired of fighting, but I will. I will trust my eyes…and my gut a little more each season.

~Ani