23 years later...

I am 68 years old. I got out of my high demand cult group 23 years ago.

It is only in the last few years that our family is tackling the effects of being in a cult for 9-10 years, so many years ago.

I was married with 2 small children when we moved to a small town near the coast of Central California. Our son started kindergarten in the fall after we moved.  Our daughter was two years younger. I met another parent from my son’s class. She lived around the corner. We started arranging play dates for the kids. Then she introduced me to another neighbor who also had two girls around the same age.

As I got to know them, I learned S was a recovering alcoholic, as was her husband. The other neighbor, A was married to an alcoholic, not recovered. The more they talked about all of it, I thought, hey I think I’m married to an alcoholic too. At some point I started going to Al-Anon meetings with them.  It was in these meetings that I started to relate to what was going on in my house. Not so much the drinking/drugs, because that had mellowed out when the kids entered our lives. It was the emotional stuff. He was very closed down, worked a lot and never talked about his past or what had happened in his dysfunctional family. Although he did admit that it was dysfunctional, but mostly didn’t want to talk about it. There were times he wouldn’t talk to me for days. I now know that was depression. We had no clue back then in the 80’s.

I was going to Al-Anon meetings, got a sponsor and started working the steps. My sponsor happened to be A, the neighbor. We hit it off. She was creative and had a lot of energy. I was a photographer. We collaborated on creative projects. It was good. She had a sponsor, Gary. He was in AA and Al-Anon. At some point, she started working for him. He was a pianist/composer. He was the wise one. She would pass down all these helpful nuggets as I was working the steps with her. It was always Gary says this, and Gary says that…

At some point (my memory fails me here) I grew further and further away from my husband and preferred to spend time with my new friends. We would have deep conversations and meditate together.  I would put the kids to bed and run around the corner to soak up all this new knowledge. We would do photo shoots, cooking sessions, and help A with work stuff for her boss, G. (for free)

Pretty soon, A was getting divorced from her husband. She was bringing in new friends to Al-Anon and spouting all this information from her sponsor in the meetings and in our private conversations. She was very charismatic and seemed to have the answers.

At some point my husband wanted to go for couples counseling, but I would only go if the counselor was into the 12 steps. I did nothing to help find one.  It never happened. I moved to the couch. Pretty soon we were getting divorced.

Up to this point I was a part time freelance photographer. When I was getting a divorce and moving guess who offered me a job? I started working for G too. I had very little contact with him. Everything came through A.

It was a shitty job, low pay, lots of hours, weekend work and travel. I was repeatedly told to “trust” that everything would work out. Soon he would be famous and we would all have more than enough money. I moved into a large house on the same cul-de-sac that the newly divorced A had moved to, on orders. Soon to be joined by S’s family, by order. One big happy family. Our kids all played together. Another Al-Anon recruit, C, was told to live with me. I was told to give her the master suite and she would take care of all our children. I think she paid a small pittance in rent. Then we all paid her some childcare $ in addition.

None of us could afford the rents on the salaries we were making. Meanwhile, we were growing his music distribution. His music was breaking into more commercial applications and making a lot of money. But there was never enough. This was the time of “New Age” instrumental music. Pretty soon I was letting them use my credit card to pay for rooms, travel, event fees with the promise of paying me back. Yes, I would get some payment, but never the full amount. The interest was building up, so we would start a new credit card in my name. I did not keep good records, as they would pay some amount every month so I wasn’t delinquent. I trusted.

I was putting a lot on my credit cards too. I was not making enough money to live the lifestyle I was living. But the kids still needed shoes and new school clothes. I was told over and over that soon the company would be successful. Famous artist, blah blah blah… Again, I believed it. Doubts in my head were quickly disregarded,  by training, then a prayer to my higher power to remind me. Trust.

So the short version is that I pretty much gave up my photography career, my marriage, and control over my life and my kids life to peddle his “special, divine  meditative music.” None of my family or friends understood this, nor did they know it was “magic”, but I got pretty good at explaining how happy and well I was doing.

Whenever there was a doubt, questioning or I balked at the schedule, which was relentless, we were told some mumbo jumbo (because I can’t remember the words now. It all made sense at the time).   It was something like this… it was all my fault that I didn’t trust in the heavenly father, I was judgmental, pray for strength, blah blah blah. 

There was also a process where we were called to a meeting by A, sometimes G, then belittled, stomped on, and told all the things we were doing wrong. Selfish, not trusting, judgmental were just a few of the things thrown my way. Then, I was shunned by the whole group for a period of time. Sometimes this was done in front of the group, or a few in the group. I hated this, and would do anything to get back into the good graces. After all, we were family. Sometimes it was days, or weeks. I was told this was for my own good. That I would grow from these encounters, be cleansed. Grow to a higher self. I believed it.

Eventually they started doing this with the children too. They were called “Fireside Chats”. I had totally blocked this from my memory until my now 39 yr old son brought it up in one of our family counseling sessions recently. How could I let this happen to my children?  I am so sorry for all the harm I have done to my family. I wish I could go back and change it. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing. I know that sounds lame, but it was the truth.

During this time my now ex-husband and I tried to live together twice. He even tried to be in the group for the benefit of the family. But he could see through all of it for what it was. He would try to talk to me, but I would not listen to anything he said. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t believe in the principles we were learning and living by.

I did keep in touch with my family and some of my long time friends. Hiding much of what was really going on. They just thought I was a successful, happy single mother.

I moved 5 times in those 9-10 years, all on directions from my “sponsor”. A lot of the discipline I doled out to my kids was also on direction from my sponsor. I had my daughter change schools, all on direction. Never took vacations, left my kids with all kinds of friends and friends of friends for childcare because I was always working. By now the kids were older and our previous babysitter was now recruited to sell the music, travel etc.

Then two things happened. I was meeting my ex husband to attend a Back to School Night type thing at our sons high school. We talked. My husband had been seeing a counselor. He told me he was finally over me. He told me how devastated he had been by the whole break up and was finally feeling better about himself and life in general. I was shocked. I didn’t think he cared. I don’t think he ever told me that he cared. I didn’t know if he ever loved me. Yes, he married me, but it just happened. He never professed his love to me. It was a joke. I’ll marry you by the end of the year. Really. So a week before New Years Eve it was decided that we would marry on New Years Eve.  

This new information had a profound effect on me. I never thought he cared.

Then another thing happened. One day watching my now middle school and high school kids in the living room I realized they were growing up and I hadn’t gotten to do all the things I wanted to do with them. Vacations, fun activities, simple things. If I didn’t change something, life was gonna pass me and my family by. I realized I had bought into this promise of success and wealth and spiritual happiness, but I had none of it. I needed to get out and get a new life. I started talking more to my ex husband. He was very supportive. We came up with a plan. I also confided in my sister at this time. She was shocked. She had no idea what I was involved in. (and I probably didn’t tell her the half of it) I had also made my husband out to be the bad guy in all of it to my family. So I had to fix that too.  

I think I gave a two week notice for my job. (don’t ask me why) I didn’t tell anyone else, but the woman above me, S. By now A had been kicked out.

A had been kicked out and shunned and we were all told by G not to talk to her anymore. She was out. I found out later, her teen age daughter accused G of molesting her. Of course, according to G, that was all a lie and A was doing this to hurt him. Using her daughter to harm G. And the sad part, I bought it. I never did talk to her. Shame on me.

So I got out.

I interviewed and got a job. I had been learning digital publishing all along. I gathered what paperwork I could for my $30,000 debt and took G to court. I won. It took him  years to pay it off, but he did. I used that money to pay off the debt. I’m sure it was much more, but I “trusted” so much I failed to keep good records. I didn’t have much money. I knew our family should do counseling upon exiting, but I didn’t know where to start or how to pay for it. So I did nothing. Mind you, this was before the internet was as robust as it is now.

I was in so much shame when I got out. I was sure the whole community I lived in knew the truth about the group and everything going on but me. I was so embarrassed to go out in public. I would have heart thumping anxiety thinking about what I would do if I ran into G or A. I’ve had many bad dreams. Not so much any more. I never talked to anyone in the group, but one woman, S. Somehow she felt a kindred person, but in reality, she was above me and did harm too. I now realize she was manipulated too, but somehow I could look past her wrongs.

I’ve always felt guilty about not talking to C. She had called me. I spoke to her once briefly, but cut it short. She took her life not too long after. Things were falling apart.

G pleaded no contest in his child molestation case. After serving a very short sentence he left the area.

My ex husband and I continued to see each other. We took a family vacation. We moved in together in a new house about a year later, then remarried in 2008.

We have started family counseling recently. I don’t remember a lot of details, but things do come back to me now that were talking about it. Its painful. I cry a lot. I’m reading a lot about cults, listening to podcasts about cults.

I remember a long time friend talking with me after I got out and she was trying to understand how this could happen, trying to make sense of it. I told her it was a long, slow process with little steps along the way. That it would be hard for her to understand. So don’t even try. I’m out now and please forgive me for neglecting our long time friendship. She was my college roommate.

I was never really sure about the cult part. I had always called that period of time the “dark days” after leaving the group. I didn’t want to admit it. That I could be that naïve. The more information I devour I do realize it was a cult. So many of the dynamics line up. It explains a lot. If I would have known what I was signing up for I NEVER would have never signed up.

I got out.

~Denise D.