I got out of a cult in NYC…

I got out of a cult in NYC. I know, a cult in NYC? You would never expect it, would you? I grew up in NYC and still live here. It's a place that’s known for people being savvy and aware. You have to be when you live in such a big city with so much going on all the time. And yet, you can find yourself feeling quite alone here.

It’s the strangest feeling. Being surrounded by so many people, and so much activity, and yet feel alone. I grew up catholic and very devout. I believed I had a personal relationship with god. I felt that when I prayed, god was there listening to me and making things happen for me, but I’ve also  always been a critical thinker and I had questions. My questions were shooed away or were never answered and I started to deconstruct my faith. At the time I didn't have a name for it. It all started when I went away to college and decided to stop being a part of the church.

My first semester, I took a women’s studies class and I felt heard and understood. Now some of the questions I had about the unequal role women played in the church started to make sense in this new context of patriarchy. But even though this class gave me some context and confidence in my decision, I was still lost. I felt a void that grew deeper and bigger every year. I feared I would go to hell if I owned what I now felt deep inside: I no longer believed. 

Years passed but the confusion didn't. Then I started to notice that two old friends from college would post on facebook about this woman who they called their “teacher” and “spiritual guide”. They attend these annual workshops that she opened to the public, and in between they did many things together. She held workshops separately for women and men. They went on an annual camping trip together. I became so intrigued, I felt that maybe if I explored my spirituality outside of religion I could find some comfort. I could finally find some answers.

The day I went to my first annual workshop was a cold day in February. She usually holds these annual workshops at the beginning of the year, it symbolizes a new beginning. She stood in front of the group and spoke about loving yourself, and accepting yourself, and embracing your spiritual self. The part that stood out to me the most was the “mirror exercise”. She had us stand in front of a wall of mirrors and look in our own eyes. At that moment I was confronted with how hard that was for me to do. I disliked myself, it was so hard to look myself in the eyes. She then had us share about our experience in front of the group. While it was uncomfortable for me since I'm such an introvert, I felt like I belonged. Like I came to the right place to explore this void and be supported by someone who was, well enlightened…and who my friends trusted and had gained so much from.

I spent years being part of this group. At first just attending her workshops and seeing her one on one for sessions, and eventually becoming part of the inner circle, “the family” they called themselves. They were the ones that got to spend more intimate time with her as a small group. The ones she turned to for support. It was love bombing at its finest. Slowly I started to notice there were things that didn't feel right.

She believed she could talk to spirits and she could deliver messages from those spirits to us. She used this as a way to guide us with our daily struggles that we presented to her. In fact, she told us that she was the only person in the world that could really communicate with spirits and others that claimed to were lying. She told us she doesn’t read books, and only ever reads the ones the spirits tell her to read. This was disturbing to me since others that were deeper and more unquestioning in the cult would follow in her footsteps and not read books and only listen to her speeches and what she told them to do. In fact, some people would not even watch movies or tv shows that were not approved of and were watched by the leader.  

The final straw for me was one year when she told those of us that were part of the inner circle that we had to get tattoos, and that they had to be exactly what she told us to get because that’s what the spirits had told her we would need to get. An infinity symbol with the exact words and in the exact order that she told us to get it. I struggled so much with doing that. I waited and waited and as I did more and more people from the group were getting their tattoos. It came to a point where I felt I would no longer be accepted by the group if I didn't comply, so on my birthday one November I went and got the tattoo.

Now it’s been a few years since I left the group. It was hard to admit that I was in a cult, especially because I made such good friends there, and the leader did help me in becoming more self-assured, to feel less lost, and to heal from some of my childhood traumas.  That’s the thing about cults, they prey on the vulnerable and offer some real help. In that state of being, it can be hard to know that you’re in one…and once you realize something’s not quite right, it can be even harder to leave because you’ve become so entwined with the people.

~Wendy R.