Be God...

“They say you’ll die if we don’t stay late and do this timeline”

I open my eyes to look around to see the looks of shock on everyone’s faces only to find everyone, eyes closed, completely unphased by what just came out of his mouth.

It was a typical practice for him to keep us past the 10pm end time of our weekly class, sometimes until nearly midnight every Tuesday. No one complained, because at level 9.2, which took 8 or more years to achieve, we had learned not to ever question, criticize or complain about anything a teacher at the school did, especially the leader.

I found this school through a colleague about 3 years before I showed up for class. It seemed similar to another ‘psychic school’ I had gone to before. Those classes had helped me a lot, and a few months before I finally signed up for class at this new school I had been spending some time revisiting those practices because I had felt incredibly lost, unsure and confused about my life.

I showed up to class, which was held in a business building. After quite a bit of time, the leader came in to begin class; I felt equally excited and terrified. He’s over 6 feet tall, bald, mid 50’s, moderately attractive and wore really bright colored shoes. I was instantly mesmerized by him; his confidence and clarity felt like something I was sorely lacking in my life, this man was certain of literally everything.

He explained to us that this was a ‘fast path’ school and that by being here it meant that we were ‘fast path’ people. Because of this, it meant that we couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to grow spiritually if we used any slow or middle path methods or practices. We had to be learning ‘fast path’ if we wanted to be free. We were always welcome to find that knowledge somewhere else – but he’s never found it anywhere, so good luck.

He asked us why we were there or what we wanted to get out of the class, I replied: “To trust myself.” Unbeknownst to me at the time, this school would completely obliterate my ability to trust myself over the next 8 years.

Every student progresses through levels 1-4, but to go on to the ‘upper levels,’ level 5 and above, you need to be invited and approved through a process called a “senate reading.” After a year in level 4 I was invited for my senate reading to move to level 5. This brought about equal feelings of excitement and terror, because I was certain if I didn’t get into level 5 I would be back to square one – confused, alone and lost.

A senate reading is a psychic or intuitive reading, done by a group instead of a single person. My level 5 senate reading consisted of nearly every teacher at the school and the entire level 9.2 class at the time, about 20 people. To say that was intimidating is an understatement.

Looking back, senate readings were a perfect tool to subtly shame and manipulate students. You were asked to get a senate reading any time you had a big life decision to make, wanted to pursue a relationship with another student or if you wanted to leave the school. You weren’t allowed to trust yourself or your own judgment, readings were how you made choices never of your own accord.

A few months later I received notice I was invited to join level 5. The stipulations: you were not allowed to miss class for any reason other than being sick or attending a funeral for the first 6 months, and if you did miss you needed to make it up, if you missed for any other reason you would be removed from the class and sent back to level 4.

Upper levels were enticing because they were shrouded in secrecy. The belief was that if you disseminated information, teachings or practices from the upper levels to a lower level student or worse, someone not in the school, you were putting them in harm's way. You were giving them knowledge they weren’t ready to have and as a result they might get sick, go insane or die, it was dangerous and forbidden.

Everyone wondered where these practices came from, but no one asked. When you asked a question that was difficult, emotionally charged, reactive or critical you were usually met with one of the following responses:

-’You’re asking from your third chakra’

-’What vibration are you asking that from?’

In level 9 it shifted to – ‘you’re asking from your Reactive Mind’

All of those responses were designed to shut down the question. You were to then go into a meditative state, rephrase and re-ask. My experience was that rephrasing the question would change it entirely, so you gave up because you knew you wouldn’t get the answer you were seeking.

With each progressing level you were working towards a goal. The first is your ‘postulate,’ in short – your life’s purpose. You’re told you can’t even look at your postulate until you hold a vibration of 350 or higher, which you will get to at the end of level 7 during the retreat. I was convinced, again, I would be utterly lost if I didn’t make it to know my postulate. The level of anxiety I experienced as a result of wondering if something would happen to prevent me from going was astounding. The Covid19 pandemic pushed off our retreat a total of 4 times, but eventually it happened. One classmate nearly sliced her finger off with a kitchen knife the day before which required surgery – she postponed that surgery until she returned from the trip, knowing she would be kicked out of class if she missed it.

The final day of the retreat we got our postulates during another timeline process. Mine was a single word: clear. Lot’s of students received words like ‘peace’ and ‘truth.’ We went around the room to share our postulates, then the teachers, and finally the leader, sitting on stage in front of us, said… ‘Be God.’

My initial crack in the facade happened a few months prior to entering level 9. The leader and his inner circle vehemently clung to the idea that they got COVID at a healing event they hosted, from a hotel staff member, not from the other inner circle member who came to the event symptomatic and subsequently didn’t follow their testing protocols. This event led to ⅓ of the attendees contracting COVID. How is he so sure? Because he intuitively ‘read’ it.

The ability to read information psychically was believed to be the ultimate truth for members of the school. It didn't matter if logical, objective fact contradicted your read – your read was – truth – and if you ignored it, you were out of ethics. The inner circle denied any responsibility for the outbreak, continuing to hold fast to their belief that it was not their fault, nor should they be accountable for the damage caused. I wrote a scathing email to them expressing my disgust and critique of their behavior and response – the reply: “sorry you had a bad time.”  

It became increasingly difficult to go to class and listen to him, the fabricated nonsense he was speaking while my classmates globbed onto every word, I couldn’t stand it. Constantly keeping us late, freezing us in the classroom with blasting a/c, shaming people behind their backs if they used the bathroom, threatening us with death and using the spirit guides of the school as a scapegoat?!? The level of assumption and absolutes he spoke in, this time, was infuriating.

I was finally seeing it for what it was - abuse. But leaving was still a difficult action.

One of the reasons leaving this school is difficult is the implanted phobias and fears they give you. The most detrimental –  if you leave you are no longer in the ‘safe container’ of the school and therefore would be calling in difficult or negative experiences to learn from, essentially, if you leave, bad things will happen to you. This belief was bolstered by stories of people who left and got cancer, houses burned down, lost jobs or relationships, even suicide and death. If you left it was because you were at the mercy of your reactive mind, lower vibrations, you lost your connection, couldn't handle the spiritual work or ‘the truth’ anymore, in short – you were weak.

If you left you would also lose access to this ‘fast path’ knowledge and may not ever have access to it again. Levels at the school are not offered consistently, you can only come back when the level you left off at starts again. For my class the level below us was at level 6, so leaving meant waiting up to 3 years to return. The leader constantly threatened his own death or demise to the students. It was said that the leader was supposed to have ‘left’ aka died, many years prior, so he was essentially on borrowed time. He struggled on and off with health issues which always made the students nervous and more committed to stay, because he was the only person allowed to teach certain levels or information (his rule), if he died, the school died with him.

The final block to leaving is the secrecy of information and practices coupled with the proprietary nature of it all. Occasionally the leader would cite other practices and religions, most notably one notoriously problematic ‘religion’ with the caveat that the leader of that religion was woefully problematic but that he, our leader, had figured out how to shift the information so that it was actually correct. Fueled by determination, I sought the origins of the information, convinced it wasn't solely channeled by him and his inner circle. I believed uncovering the source would embolden me to leave. Little did I know, I was not going to like what I found.

Reaching out to former members revealed that the entire level 7 curriculum was taken directly from that problematic religion. I wanted to learn about this religion, which was similar to my school in its secretive nature, so I turned to memoirs for insights. The parallels were striking – the stifled questioning, the feeling of personal inadequacy, and the similar vocabulary and practices. I discovered that nearly all materials provided in our school were plagiarized, a shocking revelation that exposed the pervasive deceit. Understanding coercive control and cult dynamics became instrumental in realizing my situation and bolstering the confidence to break free.

When you leave the school you are required to undergo another senate reading. I didn’t inform any of the teachers I was leaving and did not do the senate reading, I no longer trusted any of them. I never heard from the leader, nor any teacher about my departure, which I was honestly a bit surprised about. These weren’t random people in my life, they were people I was somewhat close to, who knew me well, who I thought cared about me, but I heard nothing.

During my time in the school, I suffered distressing physical symptoms –  anxiety, depression, numbness, tingling, mood swings, fatigue, and dizziness. Despite seeking help from numerous doctors, it was a mystery. It occurred to me that these symptoms might be a nervous system reaction to mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse. I entertained the notion that leaving the environment might alleviate these issues. Fortunately, a month after departure, my intuition proved right. I felt like a renewed person, fully engaged in life, free from the imagined constraints imposed by the school. This newfound clarity empowered me to make significant strides in my business, foster deeper relationships, and independently make choices without relying on a 'reading.'

My spiritual beliefs now lean towards absurdism and nihilism, leaning into the unknown, the absence of meaning and therefore the ability to create my own meaning. The truth of any spirituality or religious belief system is that we won’t ever know for sure, with objective certainty, that it is true or false. I learned that believing too firmly in my own certainty, or someone else’s, isn’t a way to freedom or peace, only to more attachment and dependency.

I made the choice to leave, to go off on my own and face the possibility that I might be wrong, with more clarity than I had experienced in my life - I trusted myself. Perhaps in a very roundabout and messed up way, I got what I wanted out of that school after all.

~ Kim P.