Escaping a Web of Magical Miracles...

I have decided to write about my experience in a high demand spiritual community after hearing an inner circle member died recently, who most likely was encouraged to 'pay no attention to the body' which is a mantra there.

In 2008 a spiritual teacher of mine invited our group to go to see an awakened teacher who traveled around the world following the voice of the holy spirit via divine providence and lessons from a well-known spiritual text.

The teacher, a very large, middle aged man with pink cheeks, a grubby tracksuit and a never-ending smile had traveled from the USA with his graceful and elegant wife. She was in her mid-twenties. She sat by him and gazed with devotion as he spoke... even when he brought up the embarrassing moments of their relationship as a 'teaching tool' she was unruffled. He highlighted how eternally happy and carefree he was and how controlling and uptight she had once been. All the red flags were there but his laughter, teddy bear appearance and bursts of cute songs seemed to outshine the wild flapping of those flags.

I looked around the room to see if anyone else seemed uneasy about their mismatched appearance and obvious unbalanced power dynamic but people seemed in awe of how 'transparent' it all was. And besides, even her own mother was a fan of the teacher.

The first day seemed to be one story or another of how serene he was in the face of all her egoic and jealous behavior. How attached she was to her bodily needs and how he healed her from her vegetarian diet and worry about her health. Her environmental activism and her love of mountain biking. They did it together by just asking the holy spirit what to do and eat... I wondered if she asked or he told her what the holy spirit thought.

I was triggered! How did people not notice that it seemed controlling and condescending? Then, when no one seemed to agree with me, I wondered if I was just being egoic and judging him? I wasn't sold on them at all but I was confused. It did appeal to my attraction to raw and honest transparency though and the thrill of the freedom it hinted at.

Now she sat defenceless, happy, eloquent and also laughing at herself. You see, his guidance had helped her shine unworldly peace. The game seemed to be, whoever is most happy and carefree wins. Could this be the way out of pain, shame and worry I wondered?

But this pattern of exulting himself in comparison to his series of younger, less mystical partners and friends would go on to be a feature... this pattern can be observed in his now extensive collection of thousands of online videos.

The second day he introduced a popular teaching tool. Interpreting the holy spirits meaning behind a movie. He would play a movie and pause to interpret, in what was called a 'transfer of training'. This is when the holy spirit is so at one with your mind, that you hear the voice of love everywhere and in everything, even movies.

At the end of the day we joined his online mailing list and followed their journey of travel and miracles. Stories of all the serenity he possessed in the most stressful situations. Like when a host made him sleep in a cupboard. The weird, quirky stories had me hooked, like some strange reality TV show. A show where the teacher always won because he was unflappable.

A relatively short time passed and the teacher's wife wrote an email about how she had gone to a gathering and had met another community member. She was desperately trying to resist the attraction feelings she had for him but in a grand sweep of 'transparency' she shared her thoughts with the teacher. 

Without batting an eyelid, he apparently suggested that this man would be there in a week and that she should follow the guidance. Not long after they amicably ended their marriage, she would stay on as an envoy with her new partner by her side. I thought 'this is amazing!' I was wrong about the teacher, he is happy to unfold with the greater good.

A few years later the teacher's former wife and her new partner moved and set up a new community overseas under the same spiritual philosophy. My teacher (from the beginning of the story) left to join them and two of my friends left their husbands to go there too. Wow this was getting juicy. I couldn't say I wanted in (yet) but was watching on with awe.

I don't want to talk too much about others experiences but I need to as it was part of my journey. My teacher left after a couple of days because she said her one request was denied after the inner circle got together and told her they decided to not appease her ego. She recalled that they had just found another way to be 'special'. (Specialness being something to avoid according to the spiritual text.)

As years went by I drifted in and out of seeing what was happening with the group. They now had multiple communities springing up in various locations across the United States, Europe, and other parts of the world. The organization gained a huge online following as regular teaching videos came out. Recordings of live events with the main teacher and his inner circle.

They currently have hundreds of thousands of subscribers. I would say they were a prototype online spiritual group as they quickly built their numbers by using social media platforms for over a decade.

Many videos describe the way to give over to the spirit (surrender to authority), to see the world as a dream populated with characters (also the way malignant narcissists see the world I learned later). How to let love spend the money (you can guess who decides what love wants the money spent on). All things that seem like a beautiful big love fest to the watchers, until you understand how they are used against you once you join in closer, via helping as a volunteer from home, as a host for a gathering, or living in the community monasteries.

The videos contain angelic smiles, laughter, intrusive eye contact and stories of outrageous social experiments to prove the 'real world' is safe and loving. Basically, mind training to deny your senses.

The videos showcase the teacher's supposed mystical nature in various situations, from personal relationships to mundane technical issues. Everything is framed with a singular purpose: the function of forgiveness. In one instance, when someone reportedly tried to trick him with spoiled food, he consumed it with a smile, apparently not even noticing. Ahhh, true forgiveness doesn't even taste!

Watching his video collection, he always seems happy and joyful for no earthly reason. He's shown in various challenging situations, supposedly experiencing being 'above the battlefield'. The videos report stories of him facing unpleasant circumstances with a smile, treating them as wonderful opportunities. The miracle mindedness seems thick and fast. There's even a couple of videos about raising the dead. And several about being miraculously upgraded to first class flights.

Everyone seems to be having a blast, swanning around the world on divinely provided funds by the holy spirit. Including all the teacher's ex-girlfriends (that stayed) who now form the INNER, inner circle.

So back to my story…

Around 2010 one of my friends had ascended to being an envoy and was running a community house overseas with her husband. I saw a photo of her dressed in pink making snow angels. Later she said it was all she could do to not feel dead inside at the time.

Then came videos of expression sessions at public gatherings. People crying and opening up their hearts and emptying out all the hurts, secrets and grievances to be healed by the holy spirit. Expression sessions were a huge part of the live-in community too, held twice a day in the morning and at lunchtime. The envoys had their own secret expression special sessions on zoom joining from around the world to move into the 'one true mind'.

The cin-lightenment – “Movies to teach you” became a primary hallmark of the teacher's instruction. With the teacher's clever interpretation related to the spiritual text, he could make a difficult section seem fun, do-able and adventurous.

A few years later, with a renewed interest in the spiritual text, I started a little study group at home. I also started going to the organization's gatherings when they happened. It was there I learned about problems in the community occurring. Things blamed on the inner circle.

People being encouraged to cut ties with families. Being guided to who should marry who, as to how money should be divided in divorces. Evicting seriously ill and elderly people in the community, leaving them penniless after receiving their generous donations. Encouraging people to leave children behind with spouses, encouraging people to sell their assets and give everything to the Holy Spirit to use in community. One person offered their whole country property to be used but didn't want to sign the title over and was told it wouldn't work that way and that he was being “egoic and in fear”.

One woman left and wanted their extremely large donation given back. They were held in a room for hours while one inner circle member after another came in trying to convince them to drop the idea. In the end they only got half of it back. Why was it that all the 'freely giving' was only flowing one way? If the world, money and people were all a dream, then why all the hierarchy?

I couldn't believe a so-called enlightened man would be behind all of this and nor could anyone else who was devoted to the teachings. Blame seemed to always shift to the inner circle.

So, by now you are maybe wondering how I ended up living in their community with all these discrepancies? I would say there were a few things that helped hold my cognitive dissonance at bay. Firstly, my father was similar to the teacher in many ways, so I was used to this kind of extreme behavior. My father was funny, charismatic, philosophical, a lover of sci-fi and displayed outrageously unusual social behavior. People loved my Dad as he showed everyone his Dr. Jekyll and kept his Mr. Hyde hidden behind closed doors for the family to endure.

Secondly, it was easy to blame the inner circle on a lot of what was happening, the teacher himself saying he was a Mr. Magoo and couldn't experience or be aware of unloving events. It was hinted that he needed organizers and whip crackers as he was too mystical for that.

Finally, I had really immersed myself in meditation that year and had decided to go on one of their silent (remove- retreats) because it was on a property that was really magical and most of the people going or living there were lovely.

On that retreat I had a profound mystical experience and decided afterwards I would apply to go overseas and live in the community full time. I believed it would be helpful to my awakening. Also, my son was going away to study that year, so I could leave home fairly guilt free.

My time in the community…

Packing for my trip I received a last-minute PDF about how the community operates. They mentioned they used work and service as an awakening tool. Of course, I expected to help out and thought the maximum would be a standard work week such as 8 hours, 5 days a week. With time off for spiritual teaching related activities, we would also attend some public gatherings. But, I had no idea it was a 7 day a week, “work till you drop” type situation.

I asked what to write on my visa application such as, do I tick that I'm a volunteer? 'No! Tick visiting friends or going on a holiday.' This 'lying for the Holy Spirit' felt wrong. Especially since being fearlessly transparent was such a big thing there.

When I arrived, in my gut I remember immediately feeling something was off. The hugs and hellos felt very formal and everyone looked tired. There was a Stepford wives vibe. It felt very different to any gatherings I'd been to in the external community. Some people even took an immediate dislike to me.

Over the short time I lived communally, it was always a feeling of 'lights, camera action' if we went live online or held a public retreat. The morose moods and picky behavior would suddenly swing to joyful and happy exteriors. Some people who were particularly depressed were allowed to stay in their room during public gatherings.

Day to day, lead and follow, was important. We had to learn to let go and follow whoever was leading. After a couple of weeks, I was woken up in the night to put out an important post on the Web. I said I was tired and would do it tomorrow but they refused to leave my bedside. It was a case of the teacher saying so, so you have to. I felt bullied, drained and split.

I paid a substantial monthly fee to live there, for this I had a bunk bed with a sheet in a room that slept 6 with the door open into the kitchen and another door open into a laundry, the room itself a public walkway. I was an unpaid worker needing to use my personal savings to live on.

The Inner circle had big rooms to themselves with large beds and nice bedding.

I was expected to work 7 days a week for an average of 16 hours per day without pay. '100% all in!' they'd say.

Divine providence meant people with money to spare were welcome. Property to sell? Invited into the live-in community, as long as they weren't sick, needy or mentally ill. If you didn't have money, you had to either be beautiful/charismatic or talented on computers.

To sum it up it was lonely, invasive, and boring, SO BORING! All computer work. Editing videos, typing out the teacher's words and doing their social media promo, which meant bombing various social media groups all day with posts, videos and quotes with the teacher's name.

What they don't say in their introductory pages is there are to be 'no friends'. We were actually told not to have friends there and really only needed to communicate with the person we were sharing a project with or with someone in charge. A biblical quote often thrown about was ‘God is no respecter of persons’.

There was one other place we talked. One at a time at a group airing out of dirty laundry. Nearly always boring, uninspiring, morose and mostly repressed. The odd times it was emotional and exciting were like a relief from the tedium of life there. Emptying out 'private thoughts'. Where everyone listened and said nothing. People complained about their work, other people, how they were feeling. No one ever seemed to talk about how inspired they were or any other loving, holy, positive thing. That was considered teaching. And it was a ‘no teaching allowed’ community.

There are two rules of community, no secrets and no compromise. There was daily nit-picking at all sorts of petty things like, fresh flowers not being changed. Walking on grass. Hair in the bathroom and cushions not being put back on the couch correctly. 'I could have stayed at home for all this!' I thought.

I wondered what I wasn't understanding. Why had people lived like this for years? I stayed hoping to find out why everyone seemed to stay, because they mostly seemed completely unhappy. The suffering was framed as part of the dissolving ego.

I started to feel very shut down after a few weeks. I couldn't be me or have a personality and it felt like everyone disliked me, I was alone and disconnected from others and myself. But I think my ‘laziness’ is what saved me in the end.

The “Aha moment” was realizing that this would be my life if I stayed and it felt like absolute shit. No way, it's Armageddon. I'm ageddon outta here! When I decided to go it was like a giant warm light inside me switched on. A big fat dopamine reward. I told them I couldn't manufacture any more desire to stay, which was 100% transparent.

They tried to keep me on a phone call talking for hours while I was trying to pack and organize flights. But in the end, they called a taxi and I was outta there. Some people didn't say goodbye. It was really weird but in some ways a relief. It helped confirm I was doing the right thing.

Yet at the time there were so many unanswered questions, what was really going on? I knew they would all say I was too autonomous for the group. And I didn't care if they didn't understand because I guess they failed at 'love bombing' me enough.

I worried about some of the things I'd seen. People locking themselves in their rooms for 6 weeks. People physically sick and in pain. People with black rings under their eyes and unable to sleep. Someone who’d chosen to juice fast on powdered Kool-Aid for 6 weeks because no juice was provided. Sore backs from sitting all day on a computer, yet being told that pain and sickness will go away when you are fully 'in purpose' (ie: doing your holy spirit guided work).

Leaving the premises without permission or 'guidance' was frowned upon. Being told that your own inner guidance from the holy spirit is unnecessary, as guidance is all the one voice, so it's the same if it comes through someone else, (ie: a leader in the community). Not to follow any other spiritual teacher. And definitely not to post other teachers' work on your personal social media accounts.

Eating what was given with no say in it (and they laughed about how a few years back, the guidance was given that only unhealthy, fatty food was provided to challenge beliefs around food). Meanwhile the inner circle had special provisions, access to cigarettes and drawers full of chocolates. Later I found out this was because they had gotten all their food from a charity. Many people were extremely thin and seemed to have eating disorders. Insinuating they were so above the body that they could live on cheetos. Which they did, while quoting a passage from the text we all read about the laws of nutrition being bogus.

Individual special guidance was at times given to things like severe haircuts, relationships within the community, separating friends and loved ones in the community in order to 'get more vertical' (meaning connected to God and away from special relationship). When, or if people could ring or visit children and family.

No time for yourself, a brief period of meditation was allowed at a specific time in a designated room. Otherwise, constant bombardment of the teacher's voice, words or videos of him.

The world was labelled 'insane' and the path from insanity was 'only to be of use' and 'in purpose'. The external community that loved the teacher and bought his books, joined his courses etc. were labelled as 'fearful' and out there in the insane world as they weren't in the community yet, but mostly they weren't allowed in either.

I could go on and on.

Post community…

I left feeling fragile and my friends said I seemed changed. And worse, no one in my spiritual home group really, truly believed what I'd been through as the teacher had been such a big part of their online spiritual journey. I guess I had done the same when others told me things. But I didn't need him anymore. I let it all go. Not all at once but over the next few years I let go of the teachings altogether.

One of the teacher's ex-partners reached out publicly online at one point, I watched them try to shut her down. I contacted her privately and she told me that everyone had ignored her and she felt absolutely devastated and abandoned. After weeks of trying to contact them, she posted something publicly about how she felt. They had her on a zoom call immediately to damage control. The teacher told her it was all her ego, then heartlessly cut the conversation off with 'oh well it's lunchtime, goodbye'. And she told me that was just the tip of the iceberg.

I still don't really know exactly what goes on there but after watching many documentaries about cults, it is my opinion that this really is a dangerous high control group for many reasons. And really ticks off the boxes of Steven Hassan's BITE- model.

I wish everyone in the group only the best and to be free to live their lives and not die there under a dictatorship, or of some illness they could avoid, by getting symptoms diagnosed early. It's not 'insane out here' as they say. It's what you make it. You can thrive and be happy living your own life.

~ Anonymous