Knock, knock. Can someone let me in?

In the spring of 2020, chaos, civil unrest, and sickness spread around the world. Fear and uncertainty overwhelmed me. The bravery, strength, and courage of those who got out, inspired me, and gave me the strength to move forward.

Getting out comes at an exceedingly high cost, including being shunned by friends and family. And while getting out is seemingly impossible, here is my story of many failed attempts to get in.

Am I not good enough for you?

Like so many people, I have had hundreds of unsolicited interactions with people who believe they are preaching the Truth.  When they knocked on my door, I have studied the bible with them, and finally, attempted to seriously study in 2020, during the height of the pandemic.  

A year prior, I began a romantic relationship non-active member of this religion. We enjoyed mutual interests, great chemistry; we were very compatible and affectionate.  At the time, I was under the impression he was uninterested in rejoining and that he and I were aligned in our values and beliefs. During the first few months of our relationship, we discussed his knowledge of unreported crimes, misogyny, child abuse, suicide, sexual trauma, stalking, and the practice of shunning within this religion. I thought we had mutual concerns, including the trauma it had caused him, his family, and friends. But when the pandemic started his behavior began to change.

First, he asked me to learn about his past as it related his religion. He asked me to attend meetings and their only celebration, and I did. He started admitting to feeling guilty and acting ashamed of our relationship.  He asked for my objective evaluation of his religion. As a researcher by profession and a philosopher by nature, I appreciated and was excited to be studying and learning about the belief system he grew up with. But as time passed, he became more and more reluctant to discuss his beliefs or religion at all, eventually completely shutting down.

For my research, I reviewed journals, read news stories, watched YouTubers, and evaluated the organization’s history and literature. I also repeatedly requested bible studies at multiple levels of the organization. I contacted their headquarters, several churches in three states, and spoke with dozens of church elders and members. Yet, each time I asked a tough question while trying to arrange a study, everyone I interacted with made excuses and my study requests were denied.

“I don’t know what your motives are.” “I feel uncomfortable studying with you.” “I’m not going to study with an accuser. Goodbye.”

These rejections came from multiple members, included by my boyfriend’s own mother, who rather than sharing her faith with me, accused me of being a tool of Satan.

After a lifetime of uninvited door knocking, I was being shunned by people I have never met during the “very last of the very last days.” As for my boyfriend, he seemed unable to critically think about his religion, beyond not understanding how carnivorous animals will suddenly become herbivores after Armageddon.   

I can’t wait to pet a lion!

In addition to being sure I was not in cahoots with the devil, the hypocrisy, nonsense, and avoidance tactics made it easy for me to conclude this religion was not the “Truth.”

During my journey I also learned how this high control group has shunned, shamed, and traumatized people and robbed them of their autonomy. The victims who are brave enough to speak out against this group cruelly labeled “apostates.” Yet, the apostates I came to enjoy during this difficult time in my life were more inclusive, supportive, educational, loving, and entertaining than anyone from this religion I had interacted with.

In 2021, I attended the same holiday once again, but this time it was with apostates; it was a healing and memorable experience.

As a survivor myself of abandonment and sexual abuse, my experience of having a relationship with a member of this religion was confusing, triggering, and harmful to my physical and emotional well-being.

When it’s God I seek, I search no farther than our natural surroundings where Truth and Love are abundant. I stand with and support those who got out on their journeys and believe I will live to see the dismantling of this high control group.

~Elle