Sphere of Lies...
Imagine for a moment, if you could, being engulfed by an invisible sphere.
Now imagine that someone else sneakily got YOU to create that sphere and imprison yourself. A thought prison, if you will. A beautiful and simple prison of the mind – no key required to lock yourself in. No need for anyone to check in on you to make sure you are still locked up, after all you are a great prison guard in your own sphere. Why would you need someone to check in on you?
A prison, remember, that is invisible. You could very well just leave any physical space at any time you wish; I assume a bit like being incarcerated with the door wide open. It just doesn’t feel right to walk through door for some reason.
Your instinct tells you it’s a much better idea to stay in that sphere. You can see the outside world from your own narrow viewpoint as you walk the streets and sit on rooftops looking down. Sometimes you even wish to BE free, but only for a fleeting moment.
Then the voice comes in: “They are not really free. These are the people we are working so hard to help.”
You see people driving cars, going to work, smiling, having lunch with friends and wish that maybe someday you could do that. Maybe someday you could have savings, someday you could have a real relationship, have kids, travel a bit, and enjoy a lovely bottle of wine by yourself or with someone special.
The voice from the matrix repeats: “They are not really free. Your sacrifices will help them see the way. We are mankind’s only hope.”
So, you stay.
And I stayed.
Too long.
I lived a double life way too long; the smiles that showed everyone I was thrilled to be alive, and behind that smile, a somber, shy, careful, and emotionally and financially poor young man. Trapped in a fake life, an unglamorous life that was controlled by others – a complete series of miniscule mind games disguised as truth.
This parasitic group, over many years, truly bankrupted me emotionally, physically, and financially.
So, it was time.
I found the courage to take out that needle, lift it out of my pocket (it was always there), and prick the giant invisible sphere.
I boarded a plane, left my giant metropolitan hell and returned to my one true place of hope, of joy, of acceptance, of trust...I returned back to my family. My Group had told me that I could only find peace, joy, hope and purpose with them. Really, they just wanted to slowly delete my true personality, delete my family, delete my joys and to replace it with lies, control, distrust, fear and loneliness.
I was lied to and deceived. I was conned. I was used, abused, mistreated, depleted, and left in the gutter.
To this day, I feel like a whole decade went by and I can only remember a fraction of what I did.
The songs that were popular? No recall. What was big in the news? I never kept up. What did I do all those years? It’s a blur.
I am better now. I educate myself, I watch videos on YouTube, I connect with those who got out and I am thriving. I now travel; I have a beautiful son; my wife is the love of my life and I connect with my family and friends a bit more.
I’ll never be the one with 600 friends; I don’t need that.
But I have a sense of security and love. I can control my life and parts of it. I feel part of a community in my little neighborhood and at work. My dog and birds love me. There is meaning and purpose in my life and I try to help others and not harm them. I enjoy my privacy and share what I want to share. I have the ability to make decisions and move my life forward.
When I left this Group, I spent an entire summer walking aimlessly for miles and miles, talking in my head, talking out loud, soaking up the sun and sitting down. The next day I would repeat, walk slowly with no destination and exhale deeply.
The strolls were not because I badly needed exercise, my dear Group was more than happy to always keeping me busy with chores, important events, urgent deadlines --- including manual labor with little to no sleep. No… the galivanting was to clear my mind, one step at a time. Decompress.
For months there was no agenda, no screaming, nothing. Just me, myself and I.
I got it right.
My greatest piece of advice:
Trust yourself. You are likely the best friend you’ll ever have.
It has taken me over a year to write this. Whenever I started, it felt forced. So, I speak from the heart now to provide a simple message. If you feel something is wrong, get out. Now. Don’t let the years pass you by. There are well-meaning and loving people out in the world who can help you.
I wish you all much healing and most importantly lots of love and joy.
Respectfully,
Sometimes Longing