You're a fake. Run away...

I got out of a cult I didn’t know I was in.

It was my hometown and my place of origin–my ancestry. I lived for perfectionism and greatly achieved it…until I didn’t.

Until I reached the bloom of youth and my best friend’s brother just looked too delicious. The shame I felt from this betrayal recommitted me to my perfectionistic trajectory and I got married, further solidifying my role in the community.

When I asked the three suited men in a back room with blinds closed if it was possible to be raped when you’re married, their response was visible discomfort followed by blame and shame for a young man in the hall expressing his crush on me. The deflection rang loudly in my ears, but like the perfect little cultic Christian that I was, I continued to trust that God would show up for me.

When I heard the sounding of bells in my ears as I continued to try and tolerate sitting piously in the meetings, I was scared and confused. The words repeated in my head, “You’re a fake. Run away”, and my feet stayed planted but my heart was already gone. I finally brought my doubts to the elders and when I saw things for what they were, I spoke my truth and walked out with my middle fingers up.

And now I live as my full self, imperfect and glad to be, because it’s honest and there’s no more faking it.

No more pretending.

My ability to be comfortable in my own skin, often dictated by the narrative I choose to write on my own skin, has given me a sense of liberation I never knew how to ask for.

It took a great amount of courage diving into the unknown, trust in myself I had no idea how to have, and an unquenchable curiosity to venture out on my own to explore, but FUCK I am so full of gratitude for whatever was inside of me that was courageous enough to speak those words…

“You’re a fake. Run away.”

~ Taylor M.

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