There's a lot to unpack.

There’s a lot to unpack.

My story, the story about my daughter (who was in a cult for 30 years) has wracked me with guilt, sorrow and anger. But that was later. Before that, I was just numb. Before that I was ignorant, unknowing.How did we suffer this loss, her loss, my loss, her mother's loss, her sister's loss. Was it just circumstance? Was it just events unfolding in our lives, hard times precipitated by the economy collapsing in the 1980s? I ask myself, what were the seminal events that led to this outcome? Did I create this drama from my karma? What goes around comes around, they say. Is THAT what happened here. Just karma?

Or is it just another manifestation of one generation infecting another with self centered indulgence?
Or Is it a genetic sickness so deeply embedded it infuses the DNA of every cell of my body?
Or is it the nature of our species, intrinsic in our search for meaning, to challenge ourselves with sorrow and pain forcing us to search for "oneness" when all we see is duality: pleasure / pain, sweet / sour. Grist for the soul we use to polish ourselves and to reflect a greater truth.

To suggest that my daughter ended up tossing thirty years of her life away in a slave like service to a narcissist; is that my fault? It is difficult not to not ask the question. And yet THAT seems like an indulgence. A gratuitous mea culpa. I am not that important. Or am I?

My transgressions are many but they are in the middle of the spectrum. I have been a good person, and a thoughtless person, and an unkind person, and a generous person. For some things there is shame, for others pride.

There is a lot to unpack.

Do I own this, what happened to my daughter? Do I spread the guilt around so there is less on my shoulders? Surely my daughter's mother should own her part, yes? And what about OUR parents? Aren't they culpable too? Who should pay for my daughter's loss that can never be repaid? Can we pay it forward?

Thirty years. Practically a lifetime. No, more than one lifetime. My granddaughter will also pay, and my great grandchildren too. They too suffered... They will suffer in the future from psychological harm of growing up around the pathology of one man's soul, the pathology of our culture, the pathology of our race.

What of sin? My sin? Our sin? Sins? What is sin? Is it different to different people?

"Sin" in Spanish translates to "without." Sin carne, without meat. Sin queso, no cheese. Just sin, without God. Sin; without knowledge that God is in everything, everyone. Where there is stardust, everywhere where stars are seen, there is God - there is awareness everywhere. It's all stardust. People, animals, plants, stuff, where every one of those things are, there is awareness. What does it take to come to that awareness?

Sin is the absence of awareness of that truth - divinity, God, love, whatever name it has, resides in all things - it just is. The seminal perpetration is the failure to see that truth.

Still, there is a lot to unpack. More questions than answers.