It’s peculiar how life can take a drastic turn when least expected. On a day that seemed not unlike any other day, my life changed in one short encounter with my next-door neighbor whom I’d never met.

It happened late one afternoon when we were both at our mailboxes in front of our homes. We engaged in small talk, but then I felt her eyes on me. Studying me.

I was groomed from birth forward to be completely obedient.

Far beyond the stereotypical and societal expectations for girls and women of my generation. I was a docile, quiet, intelligent child. Loving and eager to please, as children tend to be.

My mother was a predator and she preyed upon my siblings and me relentlessly. She was a sadist and exhibited no conscience, and never the slightest remorse. She had privilege and luxury, and she told us on a daily basis that we were her literal slaves. Her mantra was delivered to us, at least hourly, and it was, "Run, animal, run".

My First Religion:

I got out of a diasporic religion when I noticed that I had no power over my own life or feelings, they had given me a full plan on how to live my life with complete control over every aspect; diet, clothing, profession, friends, and acquaintances. It was in the year 2000, I was married at that time. They even gave me a full description of my husband's personality and traits of "goodness".

Of course the consequences for leaving; insanity, poverty, loneliness, and the destruction of my children's lives!

Introduction

I left a religious cult that I dedicated 7 years of my life to. I believed that I was following God by obeying the organization.

What is their objective?

With this belief, the goal is to recruit as many members as there are people in the world. Global indoctrination. Through the members' labor and through any means they infiltrate schools, government, religious organizations, and any individual persons.

"We are one."
"Healing all nations."
"We must die, in order to live."

Mom's voice on the line sounded concerned and slightly judgmental... "So, do you have a Christmas tree in your house?" With 2,000 miles between us I had the comfort of freedom to decorate knowing she wouldn't be stopping by unexpectedly. I had the freedom to try the things I'd been curious about.

The Christmas Spirit always seemed to me so good at the heart of it, though from the platform and literature we were admonished that as true Christians we knew Jesus was not in the holiday - with its pagan roots and symbology - and we were so lucky to be unencumbered by the financial burden of obligatory gift-giving and the stress of holiday shopping. Yes, how lucky - even non-believers would tell us so as they sighed under the weight of their to-do lists and gift lists. 

I did not know until I knew
Shadows coming to life anew
Muted echoes, far-off calls
Familiar doodles on the walls
Illuminated in a flash
Unleashing in a tidal wave
The past

I was born into and raised in an abusive, apocalyptic, religious cult. Instead of going to school and having a childhood, I was raised to be an obedient soldier with no will or value of my own, expected to follow orders blindly and without question.

Every day, it was ingrained in me that I was worthless, ugly, and stupid. I was NEVER to consider myself in any other way, as doing so would be "selfish." I had no rights as an individual and was NEVER allowed to say no. Personal belongings or emotional attachment to things or people was strictly forbidden and violently punished.

I was born into a world that was designed out of fear, to lock me into a cage, program me to be an asset with no needs, desire and individuality of my own.

The world was designed to transmit the suffering of another.

I got out when I realised “the Family” was never mine. I was a subject, the slave for a cause that was never mine.

***CONTENT WARNING***

I was sprawled, staring at the roof, trying to focus on dots of…something? I couldn’t tell what they were because my eyes wouldn’t focus and when they did, the dots multiplied.

My body was airbourne for less than a 10th of a second, but it still came down hard. Where are we? Is this a dirt road?

A sudden turn. This time, my body slid on the slick, white leather seat. I knew it was leather because the Man driving had made sure to tell us it was. At least twice. I was not impressed at all. It still feels like plastic, and I was sliding on it just like plastic.

From the perspective of a first-generation survivor.

I was in the cult for 15 years (1975 - 1990). I was 17 when I joined and 32 when I left. My experience is that the cult evolved from an international group of dedicated Christians aspiring to preach the gospel and serve God, to a sex cult, and then a child sacrifice cult.

~~~TRIGGER WARNING~~~

I wanted to speak, but I did not know the words for what I was seeing and feeling.

I was born into a “pedophile-led sex cult”. As a child, I did not know what any of those words meant; they did not exist in the vocabulary of the adults who raised me. Yet there were memories my mind could not process, that still haunt me today.

Why would anyone want to rejoin a cult?

I was born and raised in the cult that my parents joined before they’d had any kids. I left as a teen to get an education and to get away from an organization rife with abuse and neglect, which functioned through forced labor of all members, including children. I’d been out for five years when I briefly (re)joined1. I’d only meant to go on an overseas trip with some friends, but I changed my plane ticket and stayed, telling myself that I’d finally found “home.”